1
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高情商

2
00:00:01,385 --> 00:00:02,383
是天生的

3
00:00:02,384 --> 00:00:04,134
还是童年缺爱逼出来的

4
00:00:04,865 --> 00:00:06,314
你一定见过这样的人

5
00:00:06,585 --> 00:00:07,694
他走进一个房间

6
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几秒钟之内

7
00:00:09,345 --> 00:00:11,273
就知道谁今天心情不好

8
00:00:11,425 --> 00:00:13,194
谁和谁之间有点别扭

9
00:00:13,384 --> 00:00:14,333
哪句话能说

10
00:00:14,744 --> 00:00:16,353
哪句话千万别碰

11
00:00:16,864 --> 00:00:19,064
他好像有一根看不见的天线

12
00:00:19,065 --> 00:00:22,474
能接收到空气里那些没人说出口的信号

13
00:00:22,945 --> 00:00:24,693
我们管这叫会做人

14
00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:26,274
叫高情商

15
00:00:26,864 --> 00:00:27,774
那这根天线

16
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到底是从哪来的

17
00:00:30,024 --> 00:00:31,583
是娘胎里带出来的

18
00:00:31,585 --> 00:00:32,933
还是后天练出来的

19
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前几天有位朋友跟我说了一个让我心里一震的说法

20
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他说

21
00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,194
高情商这东西

22
00:00:39,344 --> 00:00:41,314
很多时候不是富养出来的

23
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恰恰是穷养、是缺爱出来的

24
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一个小孩

25
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如果从小得不到父母稳定的宠爱和保护

26
00:00:48,625 --> 00:00:49,993
他为了自己的安全

27
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会被逼着进化出一套超强的察言观色的本领

28
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他必须学会在大人脸色变天之前

29
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就提前读懂那张脸

30
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听完这话我没急着反驳

31
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因为我觉得它太有道理了

32
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有道理到让人有点难受

33
00:01:06,864 --> 00:01:07,614
但有道理

34
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不等于是真的

35
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所以今天

36
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我们就用最前沿的科学

37
00:01:12,465 --> 00:01:14,743
来好好地查一查这个说法

38
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到底站不站得住

39
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哈喽

40
00:01:17,344 --> 00:01:17,813
大家好

41
00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:18,993
我是王利杰

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00:01:19,385 --> 00:01:22,390
我们先说一个可能会让那位朋友有点失望的结论

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00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,864
情商

44
00:01:23,864 --> 00:01:25,174
确实有天生的成分

45
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而且还不小

46
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:28,974
科学家最爱用的工具

47
00:01:29,344 --> 00:01:30,713
是双胞胎研究

48
00:01:30,984 --> 00:01:34,153
把同卵双胞胎和异卵双胞胎拿来对比

49
00:01:34,224 --> 00:01:36,313
就能大致算出一个特质里

50
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基因到底占了多少分量

51
00:01:38,745 --> 00:01:41,313
结果出来了：所谓的特质情商

52
00:01:41,344 --> 00:01:44,793
遗传度大概在百分之四十到四十五之间

53
00:01:45,064 --> 00:01:45,953
也就是说

54
00:01:45,984 --> 00:01:49,103
你天生的那套情绪硬件 - 你有多敏感

55
00:01:49,105 --> 00:01:50,233
多容易共情

56
00:01:50,305 --> 00:01:53,353
情绪来了多容易稳得住 - 有将近一半

57
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是基因在出厂时就帮你预装好的

58
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听到这你可能想说

59
00:01:58,224 --> 00:02:00,694
那不就证明情商主要靠天生吗

60
00:02:01,224 --> 00:02:01,614
别急

61
00:02:02,064 --> 00:02:03,504
真正有意思的

62
00:02:03,504 --> 00:02:06,233
是剩下那一半多的环境因素

63
00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:09,033
科学家把环境拆成了两种

64
00:02:09,264 --> 00:02:10,993
一种叫共享环境

65
00:02:11,025 --> 00:02:13,973
就是一家人共同泡在里面的那个大氛围

66
00:02:14,585 --> 00:02:15,794
家里有没有钱

67
00:02:15,944 --> 00:02:16,933
父母信什么

68
00:02:17,185 --> 00:02:19,033
家风是松还是严

69
00:02:19,104 --> 00:02:21,674
这些是兄弟姐妹一起承受的

70
00:02:22,064 --> 00:02:24,234
另一种叫非共享环境

71
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是你一个人独有的、别人替不了的那些经历

72
00:02:28,264 --> 00:02:30,193
结果非常出人意料

73
00:02:30,544 --> 00:02:33,674
决定你情商高低的那部分环境因素

74
00:02:33,705 --> 00:02:36,913
几乎全都来自非共享环境

75
00:02:37,025 --> 00:02:39,633
而不是那个全家共享的大氛围

76
00:02:39,944 --> 00:02:40,653
这话什么意思

77
00:02:41,183 --> 00:02:41,984
意思是

78
00:02:41,985 --> 00:02:45,144
真正把你的情商雕刻成今天这个样子的

79
00:02:45,145 --> 00:02:47,674
往往不是你家整体温不温暖

80
00:02:47,745 --> 00:02:48,614
而是你一个人

81
00:02:48,905 --> 00:02:50,674
在某些特定的时刻

82
00:02:50,784 --> 00:02:52,514
独自经历过的那些东西

83
00:02:53,305 --> 00:02:55,234
这一点其实很反直觉

84
00:02:55,705 --> 00:02:56,454
同一对父母

85
00:02:56,705 --> 00:02:57,713
同一个屋檐

86
00:02:57,745 --> 00:02:59,274
养出来的两个孩子

87
00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:01,473
情商可能天差地别

88
00:03:01,664 --> 00:03:04,593
我们总爱把这归结为天生性格不同

89
00:03:04,905 --> 00:03:06,373
但科学在提醒我们

90
00:03:06,705 --> 00:03:09,343
还有一层：哪怕在同一个家里

91
00:03:09,344 --> 00:03:11,063
老大和老二经历的

92
00:03:11,064 --> 00:03:13,033
也根本不是同一个世界

93
00:03:13,465 --> 00:03:17,033
老大出生时父母年轻气盛、手忙脚乱

94
00:03:17,145 --> 00:03:19,653
老二出生时父母已经从容了不少

95
00:03:20,185 --> 00:03:22,913
老大可能目睹过父母最激烈的争吵

96
00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:24,713
老二可能完全没赶上

97
00:03:24,944 --> 00:03:29,274
这些一个人独自吞下的、没法和兄弟姐妹共享的经历

98
00:03:29,305 --> 00:03:32,114
才是真正在悄悄塑造他的天线

99
00:03:32,625 --> 00:03:33,584
你发现没有

100
00:03:33,585 --> 00:03:35,463
这恰恰给那位朋友的说法

101
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:36,514
开了一扇门

102
00:03:36,865 --> 00:03:41,234
因为一个孩子缺乏保护、独自面对危险的那些时刻

103
00:03:41,384 --> 00:03:44,753
正是这种最私人、最不与人共享的经历

104
00:03:45,145 --> 00:03:46,133
那这扇门后面

105
00:03:46,425 --> 00:03:47,693
到底有没有真东西

106
00:03:48,468 --> 00:03:49,269
有

107
00:03:49,344 --> 00:03:50,873
而且硬到让人心疼

108
00:03:51,224 --> 00:03:53,264
有一位叫波拉克的科学家

109
00:03:53,264 --> 00:03:56,114
做了一系列今天已经成为经典的实验

110
00:03:56,425 --> 00:03:59,913
他研究那些在家里遭受过身体虐待的孩子

111
00:04:00,104 --> 00:04:02,274
他让这些孩子看一张张脸

112
00:04:02,504 --> 00:04:04,424
这些脸会从面无表情

113
00:04:04,425 --> 00:04:07,313
慢慢地、一点一点地变成某种情绪

114
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:10,743
普通孩子要等表情变得比较明显了

115
00:04:10,745 --> 00:04:12,234
才认得出这是愤怒

116
00:04:12,384 --> 00:04:13,973
但那些被虐待过的孩子呢

117
00:04:14,664 --> 00:04:17,713
脸上才刚刚露出一丝丝怒气的苗头

118
00:04:17,904 --> 00:04:20,194
绝大多数线索都还没出现

119
00:04:20,345 --> 00:04:23,473
他们就已经准确地认出来了 - 这个人

120
00:04:23,545 --> 00:04:24,634
要发火了

121
00:04:24,944 --> 00:04:26,194
不只是认得快

122
00:04:26,584 --> 00:04:28,113
这些孩子的注意力

123
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会像被磁铁吸住一样黏在愤怒的脸上

124
00:04:31,944 --> 00:04:33,033
很难挪开

125
00:04:33,384 --> 00:04:34,793
你品一品这件事

126
00:04:35,144 --> 00:04:36,213
这些孩子的大脑

127
00:04:36,504 --> 00:04:38,384
真的、实实在在地

128
00:04:38,384 --> 00:04:40,994
重新改写了自己看世界的方式

129
00:04:41,305 --> 00:04:42,744
它把宝贵的算力

130
00:04:42,745 --> 00:04:44,553
从别的地方抽调出来

131
00:04:44,625 --> 00:04:48,353
专门拨给了一件事：抢在危险爆发之前

132
00:04:48,464 --> 00:04:50,394
先一步识别出危险

133
00:04:50,985 --> 00:04:53,903
这不就是那位朋友说的吗 - 为了安全感

134
00:04:53,904 --> 00:04:57,394
进化出一种和人、和环境相处的智能

135
00:04:57,665 --> 00:04:59,334
只不过科学告诉我们

136
00:04:59,584 --> 00:05:00,624
这种进化

137
00:05:00,625 --> 00:05:03,394
精确到了神经和知觉的层面

138
00:05:03,824 --> 00:05:05,824
一个得不到保护的孩子

139
00:05:05,824 --> 00:05:07,223
把大脑的资源

140
00:05:07,225 --> 00:05:09,824
重新分配到了读人这件事上

141
00:05:09,824 --> 00:05:12,713
这让我想起我们以前聊过的他心通

142
00:05:13,144 --> 00:05:13,894
当时我们说

143
00:05:14,345 --> 00:05:16,184
所谓能读懂别人的心

144
00:05:16,185 --> 00:05:17,553
有很大一部分

145
00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:19,853
其实是一种可以被训练出来的

146
00:05:20,064 --> 00:05:23,593
对微表情和气场的超级感知力

147
00:05:24,144 --> 00:05:24,454
你看

148
00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:26,223
波拉克的这些孩子

149
00:05:26,225 --> 00:05:28,223
就是在用最残酷的方式

150
00:05:28,225 --> 00:05:30,793
在童年就完成了这种训练

151
00:05:31,305 --> 00:05:32,264
而这件事

152
00:05:32,264 --> 00:05:35,293
背后还连着一个这十年来发展心理学里

153
00:05:35,305 --> 00:05:37,033
最重要的范式转变

154
00:05:37,305 --> 00:05:37,694
过去

155
00:05:38,064 --> 00:05:40,033
科学家看待童年逆境

156
00:05:40,064 --> 00:05:43,463
用的是一个缺陷模型 - 童年受过的苦

157
00:05:43,464 --> 00:05:44,913
就是大脑的损伤

158
00:05:44,985 --> 00:05:47,113
是一道需要被修补的伤疤

159
00:05:47,345 --> 00:05:48,834
但有两位科学家

160
00:05:48,865 --> 00:05:50,913
埃利斯和弗兰肯惠斯

161
00:05:50,944 --> 00:05:52,824
提出了一个全新的框架

162
00:05:52,824 --> 00:05:54,394
叫隐藏的天赋

163
00:05:54,504 --> 00:05:54,934
他们说

164
00:05:55,225 --> 00:05:57,264
在恶劣环境里长大的孩子

165
00:05:57,264 --> 00:05:58,504
发展出来的能力

166
00:05:58,504 --> 00:05:59,374
不只是损伤

167
00:05:59,665 --> 00:06:01,033
更是一种特化

168
00:06:01,345 --> 00:06:02,634
就像一台电脑

169
00:06:02,665 --> 00:06:04,584
为了在极端环境下运行

170
00:06:04,584 --> 00:06:06,713
专门优化了某几个功能

171
00:06:07,024 --> 00:06:11,064
证据越来越多：童年生活极度不可预测的人

172
00:06:11,064 --> 00:06:13,593
长大后在快速切换任务上

173
00:06:13,625 --> 00:06:15,033
反而表现更好

174
00:06:15,105 --> 00:06:18,014
因为善变的环境逼着他们必须灵活

175
00:06:18,785 --> 00:06:22,394
一项针对被剥夺了父母照顾的孩子的研究发现

176
00:06:22,545 --> 00:06:24,223
他们的工作记忆能力

177
00:06:24,225 --> 00:06:25,733
反而比正常孩子更强

178
00:06:26,305 --> 00:06:28,504
那些暴露在暴力环境里的人

179
00:06:28,504 --> 00:06:32,663
对谁强谁弱、谁能惹谁不能惹这种支配关系

180
00:06:32,665 --> 00:06:34,033
记得格外清楚

181
00:06:34,584 --> 00:06:37,314
还有研究系统地梳理了这个领域发现

182
00:06:37,425 --> 00:06:38,994
在逆境里长大的人

183
00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:43,983
常常会发展出更敏锐的情绪觉察、更准的直觉判断

184
00:06:43,985 --> 00:06:45,593
甚至更强的共情

185
00:06:45,824 --> 00:06:47,514
这些可不是缺陷

186
00:06:47,584 --> 00:06:50,744
这些是为了在一个不稳定的环境里活下去

187
00:06:50,745 --> 00:06:52,553
量身定制出来的本事

188
00:06:53,024 --> 00:06:54,574
那为什么大脑要这么设计

189
00:06:55,064 --> 00:06:57,735
这就得说到我们这个频道反复聊到的一件事

190
00:06:57,745 --> 00:06:59,343
你的大脑

191
00:06:59,345 --> 00:07:01,593
本质上是一台预测机器

192
00:07:01,785 --> 00:07:03,473
它一刻不停地在猜

193
00:07:03,545 --> 00:07:05,274
接下来会发生什么

194
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,343
而它用来做预测的模型

195
00:07:07,345 --> 00:07:08,814
是拿什么训练出来的呢

196
00:07:09,264 --> 00:07:11,074
正是你早年的经历

197
00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:14,973
大脑会把童年当成一份对未来世界的采样报告

198
00:07:15,504 --> 00:07:19,673
如果这份采样里全是危险、全是没法预料的变故

199
00:07:19,704 --> 00:07:23,293
大脑就会得出一个结论：我将要生活的这个世界

200
00:07:23,464 --> 00:07:24,593
是不安全的

201
00:07:24,704 --> 00:07:26,744
于是它就提前做了校准

202
00:07:26,745 --> 00:07:29,954
把所有资源都押注在警觉和读人上

203
00:07:30,225 --> 00:07:31,014
这不是故障

204
00:07:31,305 --> 00:07:32,944
这是一台精密仪器

205
00:07:32,944 --> 00:07:34,624
根据它采到的数据

206
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:36,473
做出的最合理的应对

207
00:07:36,785 --> 00:07:37,494
换句话说

208
00:07:37,865 --> 00:07:39,463
那个高情商的孩子

209
00:07:39,464 --> 00:07:40,903
不是脑子坏掉了

210
00:07:40,904 --> 00:07:42,874
而是他的大脑太聪明了

211
00:07:42,944 --> 00:07:45,793
聪明到提前为一场恶仗做好了准备

212
00:07:46,185 --> 00:07:46,494
所以

213
00:07:46,785 --> 00:07:48,184
那位朋友的直觉

214
00:07:48,185 --> 00:07:49,553
不是民间智慧

215
00:07:49,584 --> 00:07:53,625
它正好踩在了科学最前沿的那个转向上：逆境

216
00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:55,144
不只会摧毁一个人

217
00:07:55,144 --> 00:07:56,983
它也会在特定的方向上

218
00:07:56,985 --> 00:07:59,913
把一个人打磨成一把异常锋利的刀

219
00:08:00,384 --> 00:08:00,853
讲到这

220
00:08:01,305 --> 00:08:03,343
是不是觉得缺爱也挺好

221
00:08:03,345 --> 00:08:04,173
因祸得福

222
00:08:04,709 --> 00:08:05,509
打住

223
00:08:05,824 --> 00:08:07,634
接下来这两个但是

224
00:08:07,665 --> 00:08:09,954
才是今天真正想跟你说的

225
00:08:10,345 --> 00:08:11,014
第一个但是

226
00:08:11,305 --> 00:08:12,153
是代价

227
00:08:12,504 --> 00:08:14,514
同样是波拉克的研究发现

228
00:08:14,704 --> 00:08:17,514
那套对愤怒超级敏感的警觉系统

229
00:08:17,545 --> 00:08:18,754
是有账单的

230
00:08:19,024 --> 00:08:21,024
这种对威胁的过度注意

231
00:08:21,024 --> 00:08:22,673
会直接通向焦虑

232
00:08:22,985 --> 00:08:23,533
说白了

233
00:08:23,865 --> 00:08:26,074
那些特别会读脸色的孩子

234
00:08:26,105 --> 00:08:30,353
往往也是更容易紧张、更难真正放松下来的孩子

235
00:08:30,704 --> 00:08:33,714
他的天线一刻不停地在扫描整个房间

236
00:08:33,945 --> 00:08:36,144
这意味着他几乎没有一秒钟

237
00:08:36,144 --> 00:08:38,433
能卸下防备、安心地待着

238
00:08:38,945 --> 00:08:41,994
所以我们千万不能把缺爱浪漫化

239
00:08:42,184 --> 00:08:44,073
那把锋利的刀是真的

240
00:08:44,105 --> 00:08:46,344
但磨刀的过程是流着血的

241
00:08:46,345 --> 00:08:49,474
而且刀刃也会反过来割伤握刀的人

242
00:08:49,945 --> 00:08:50,734
第二个但是

243
00:08:51,024 --> 00:08:51,994
是情境

244
00:08:52,424 --> 00:08:54,543
这些被逆境逼出来的本领

245
00:08:54,544 --> 00:08:58,423
有一个很关键的特点：它们主要在压力情境下

246
00:08:58,424 --> 00:08:59,874
才会闪闪发光

247
00:09:00,225 --> 00:09:01,193
换句话说

248
00:09:01,264 --> 00:09:05,624
一个在充满火药味的原生家庭里练出读心术的孩子

249
00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:08,433
把他放进一个安全、放松的环境里

250
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,423
他那套高度警觉的系统

251
00:09:10,424 --> 00:09:14,183
反而可能用力过猛 - 别人随口一句没什么的话

252
00:09:14,184 --> 00:09:17,114
他能解读出三层根本不存在的敌意

253
00:09:17,345 --> 00:09:19,553
这套本领是为战场设计的

254
00:09:19,585 --> 00:09:20,903
搬到和平年代

255
00:09:20,904 --> 00:09:22,953
有时候反而会水土不服

256
00:09:23,465 --> 00:09:23,653
好

257
00:09:24,024 --> 00:09:25,114
铺垫了这么多

258
00:09:25,264 --> 00:09:28,423
我们终于可以来回答那个更刁钻的问题了

259
00:09:28,424 --> 00:09:29,935
也是那位朋友问我的第二问

260
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:33,033
如果一个人天生智力就不太够

261
00:09:33,065 --> 00:09:35,033
把他扔进一个复杂的环境

262
00:09:35,105 --> 00:09:37,053
他一样能进化出高情商吗

263
00:09:37,585 --> 00:09:38,744
要回答这个

264
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,953
我们得先做一个关键的切割

265
00:09:41,225 --> 00:09:42,494
读懂别人这件事

266
00:09:42,784 --> 00:09:44,514
听起来好像很本能

267
00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:46,354
但它其实不是免费的

268
00:09:46,384 --> 00:09:48,234
它要消耗认知的机器

269
00:09:48,825 --> 00:09:49,913
科学家发现

270
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:51,854
情商里那个理解情绪的部分

271
00:09:52,105 --> 00:09:54,104
不只是感觉到对方不高兴

272
00:09:54,105 --> 00:09:56,214
而是能想明白他为什么不高兴

273
00:09:56,544 --> 00:09:59,224
接下来可能会怎么做 - 这种能力

274
00:09:59,225 --> 00:10:03,344
跟我们的心智理论、跟那种靠积累得来的晶体智力

275
00:10:03,345 --> 00:10:04,833
是紧紧挂钩的

276
00:10:05,144 --> 00:10:05,813
也就是说

277
00:10:06,184 --> 00:10:07,173
高阶的情商

278
00:10:07,585 --> 00:10:08,833
是要烧脑的

279
00:10:09,225 --> 00:10:10,293
那答案就清楚了

280
00:10:10,664 --> 00:10:11,953
它得分成两半

281
00:10:12,424 --> 00:10:16,333
偏直觉、偏反应的那一层情商 - 比如对愤怒

282
00:10:16,504 --> 00:10:19,903
对危险的那种超敏感的察觉 - 这一层

283
00:10:19,904 --> 00:10:22,193
是可以在智力不太够的前提下

284
00:10:22,225 --> 00:10:24,433
被环境硬生生磨出来的

285
00:10:24,664 --> 00:10:27,793
因为它是知觉层面的、几乎是自动化的

286
00:10:27,865 --> 00:10:30,943
波拉克的那些孩子并不需要多高的智商

287
00:10:30,945 --> 00:10:32,433
就拥有了这种能力

288
00:10:32,745 --> 00:10:35,894
但偏策略、偏算计的那一层高阶情商

289
00:10:36,225 --> 00:10:38,344
能读懂复杂的社会潜规则

290
00:10:38,345 --> 00:10:42,104
能在共情之后还冷静地选出那个最优的回应

291
00:10:42,105 --> 00:10:44,953
能往前预判好几步 - 这一层

292
00:10:44,985 --> 00:10:46,994
需要认知带宽来撑着

293
00:10:47,264 --> 00:10:50,234
它不是光靠环境施压就能逼出来的

294
00:10:50,705 --> 00:10:52,014
我给你画两个画面

295
00:10:52,304 --> 00:10:53,313
你就懂了

296
00:10:53,544 --> 00:10:54,583
一个孩子

297
00:10:54,585 --> 00:10:57,153
能在妈妈摔门进屋的那一瞬间

298
00:10:57,225 --> 00:10:59,024
凭着脚步声的轻重

299
00:10:59,024 --> 00:11:03,073
就准确判断出今天该不该说话 - 这是雷达

300
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:06,024
是知觉级别的、闪电一样的反应

301
00:11:06,024 --> 00:11:07,793
它不需要太高的智商

302
00:11:07,825 --> 00:11:09,953
环境逼一逼就能装上

303
00:11:10,664 --> 00:11:13,423
但另一个画面：在一场复杂的饭局上

304
00:11:13,424 --> 00:11:16,624
你要同时读懂三四个人各自的心思

305
00:11:16,625 --> 00:11:19,614
权衡谁的面子动不得、谁的话是反话

306
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:23,583
自己这句话说出去三步之后会激起什么连锁反应

307
00:11:23,585 --> 00:11:25,903
然后在所有这些计算的基础上

308
00:11:25,904 --> 00:11:27,333
挑出那个既不得罪人

309
00:11:27,544 --> 00:11:30,114
又能办成事的回应 - 这是棋手

310
00:11:30,184 --> 00:11:31,624
这一步一步的推演

311
00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:33,474
是实打实要烧脑的

312
00:11:33,865 --> 00:11:35,014
所以我想用一句话

313
00:11:35,225 --> 00:11:37,585
来回答那位朋友：环境

314
00:11:37,585 --> 00:11:40,374
能把一个人逼成一台精准的情绪雷达

315
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:41,793
但环境

316
00:11:41,825 --> 00:11:45,234
未必能把他逼成一个高明的情绪棋手

317
00:11:45,625 --> 00:11:46,014
雷达

318
00:11:46,345 --> 00:11:48,214
是用来扫描和预警的

319
00:11:48,544 --> 00:11:49,214
而棋手

320
00:11:49,504 --> 00:11:51,474
是要在看清全局之后

321
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:52,953
从容地落子的

322
00:11:53,105 --> 00:11:54,793
一个智力不太够的人

323
00:11:54,825 --> 00:11:57,433
被逆境逼出一台灵敏的雷达

324
00:11:57,585 --> 00:11:58,494
完全有可能

325
00:11:58,985 --> 00:11:59,974
但要成为棋手

326
00:12:00,384 --> 00:12:02,313
光有压力是不够的

327
00:12:02,384 --> 00:12:05,673
还得有那副能算清楚棋局的脑子

328
00:12:06,188 --> 00:12:06,985
说到这

329
00:12:06,985 --> 00:12:10,394
其实还连着我们之前聊过的天赋和根器

330
00:12:10,745 --> 00:12:13,033
一个人最后呈现出来的样子

331
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,354
从来都不仅仅是基因说了算

332
00:12:15,465 --> 00:12:17,394
也不仅仅是环境说了算

333
00:12:17,585 --> 00:12:19,274
而是那副天生的牌

334
00:12:19,384 --> 00:12:21,504
在一段独一无二的人生里

335
00:12:21,504 --> 00:12:24,264
被反复地搓揉、折叠之后

336
00:12:24,264 --> 00:12:25,714
长成的那个形状

337
00:12:26,144 --> 00:12:26,774
所以你看

338
00:12:27,184 --> 00:12:28,464
那位朋友的说法

339
00:12:28,465 --> 00:12:29,514
对了一大半

340
00:12:29,945 --> 00:12:32,114
缺爱、缺安全感的孩子

341
00:12:32,144 --> 00:12:34,953
确实可能逼出一身读人的本领

342
00:12:35,065 --> 00:12:37,114
这背后有扎实的科学

343
00:12:37,384 --> 00:12:38,293
但这身本领

344
00:12:38,504 --> 00:12:40,553
是带着伤口长出来的茧

345
00:12:40,745 --> 00:12:41,693
它有它的锋利

346
00:12:41,945 --> 00:12:44,073
也有它的疼痛和局限

347
00:12:44,625 --> 00:12:45,594
聊到最后

348
00:12:45,664 --> 00:12:48,433
我反而想起一个更让我放不下的问题

349
00:12:48,784 --> 00:12:49,854
今天没法回答

350
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:51,114
想留给你

351
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:52,943
如果一个人的高情商

352
00:12:52,945 --> 00:12:57,144
真的是童年那道伤口长出来的茧 - 那当他长大了

353
00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:59,953
开始疗愈自己、开始变得安全的时候

354
00:13:00,184 --> 00:13:02,504
他会不会反而把这身本领

355
00:13:02,504 --> 00:13:03,453
一点点地弄丢

356
00:13:03,985 --> 00:13:04,494
还是说

357
00:13:04,865 --> 00:13:06,073
真正的成熟

358
00:13:06,105 --> 00:13:09,793
是把那个为了活命而紧张地扫描别人的雷达

359
00:13:09,904 --> 00:13:10,494
慢慢地

360
00:13:10,745 --> 00:13:13,234
换成一种因为内心有余力

361
00:13:13,264 --> 00:13:16,333
所以才真正愿意去看见别人的从容

362
00:13:17,065 --> 00:13:18,173
从扫描威胁

363
00:13:18,424 --> 00:13:19,714
到看见对方

364
00:13:20,465 --> 00:13:21,744
这中间隔着的

365
00:13:21,745 --> 00:13:24,073
可能才是一个人一辈子要走的路

366
00:13:24,384 --> 00:13:25,014
那么你呢

367
00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:27,783
你身上那些被人羡慕的本事

368
00:13:27,784 --> 00:13:28,903
有没有哪一样

369
00:13:28,904 --> 00:13:29,913
回头一看

370
00:13:29,985 --> 00:13:32,663
其实是当年某个咬着牙的瞬间

371
00:13:32,664 --> 00:13:33,413
逼出来的

372
00:13:34,225 --> 00:13:34,894
评论区里

373
00:13:35,144 --> 00:13:37,153
我特别想听听你的故事

374
00:13:37,504 --> 00:13:38,173
我是王利杰

375
00:13:38,544 --> 00:13:39,500
我们下期见