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Your partner has postpartum depression,

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and you're probably on the verge of a breakdown yourself.

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In the last episode, I talked about the neuroscience of postpartum depression—

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the hormonal cliff, brain remodeling, and the shame circuit.

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All three layers crashing down at once.

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That episode was written for mothers.

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Today's episode

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is for the fathers.

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The person who comes home from work every day,

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never knowing what kind of door they are about to open.

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Hello,

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everyone.

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I'm Wang Lijie.

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The inspiration for this video

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came from a viewer's comment.

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He said his partner was diagnosed with severe depression six months after giving birth,

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along with moderate anxiety.

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She often feels suicidal,

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suffers from insomnia,

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headaches,

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diarrhea,

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and emotional breakdowns involving heavy crying.

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The child was sent to the grandparents' house,

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and their relationship is extremely strained.

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His message was very short,

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but I read it many times.

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Because beneath those restrained words,

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I saw another person suffocating.

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He didn't say, "I can't take it anymore either,"

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but he didn't need to.

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Today, I want to talk about a topic that almost no one addresses:

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In a family struggling with postpartum depression,

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what is the person who is *not* the patient

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actually going through?

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First, let's look at some data.

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A large-scale meta-analysis covering multiple countries

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published in 2021 showed that

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when a mother has postpartum depression,

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the probability of her partner developing depressive symptoms is as high as 50%.

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Half.

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Please note,

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this isn't just "feeling a bit sad."

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This is depression that meets clinical diagnostic criteria.

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Even if the mother doesn't have postpartum depression,

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the average probability of a father developing depression three to six months postpartum

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is still around 25%.

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This number far exceeds most people's awareness.

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Yet, almost no one is paying attention to this group.

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All parenting books, all postpartum guides, and all public discourse

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focus their attention on the mother and the child.

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The partner's role is clearly defined:

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You are the supporter.

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Your task is to be strong.

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Your needs come last.

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This isn't a minor issue;

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it's a structural blind spot.

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Why do partners also break down?

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Because you aren't just a bystander watching her depression from the sidelines.

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You are standing right in the eye of the storm.

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I'll break down what you're experiencing into three layers.

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First layer:

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Your nervous system is being drowned by her pain.

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The human brain has something called mirror neurons.

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Their function is very primitive.

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When you see another person in pain,

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your brain automatically simulates that pain internally.

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This isn't being dramatic,

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nor is it being oversensitive.

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It's a built-in feature of your nervous system.

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When you face a person steeped in despair every day,

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watching her cry,

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listening to her say life is meaningless,

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watching her refuse to hold the baby,

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and seeing her wither away day by day,

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what are your mirror neurons doing?

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They are constantly receiving, copying, and simulating her pain.

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On a physical level, your brain

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is being continuously washed over by her emotions.

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At the same time,

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your HPA axis

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which is the system in your brain responsible for stress response,

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has been activated for far too long.

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What are the consequences of chronic stress?

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Constantly high cortisol levels,

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declining sleep quality,

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scattered attention,

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weakened immunity,

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and poor emotional regulation.

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You start becoming irritable,

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indifferent,

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and thinking things you wouldn't dare say out loud.

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It's not that you've changed;

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it's that your nervous system has been overloaded for so long

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that it's starting to malfunction.

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The second layer:

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You're experiencing what's called the "pain of incompetence."

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Men have a very typical reaction pattern when facing a partner's pain:

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Problem-solving.

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You try every way possible to make her feel better.

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You take her to the doctor,

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you research information for her,

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you adjust your work schedule to be with her,

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you carefully control your tone of voice,

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and you list a hundred ways to make her happy.

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But postpartum depression isn't something you can fix.

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You did everything you could,

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yet she's still crying.

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You said everything you could,

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yet she still says life is meaningless.

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You give it your all,

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but nothing changes.

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This sense of powerlessness

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is a deeper kind of pain than mere exhaustion.

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It strikes at your fundamental perception of your role.

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You are her partner,

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you should protect her,

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but you find you can't.

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Many men begin to show two typical defensive reactions at this point.

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One is anger.

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You think to yourself,

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"I've already done so much,

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why are you still like this?"

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As soon as that thought surfaces,

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it's immediately followed by intense guilt.

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You know she's sick,

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you know you shouldn't be angry,

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but that anger is uncontrollable.

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The other is withdrawal.

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You start working late,

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you become silent,

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you sit in your car for ten extra minutes after getting home.

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It's not that you don't love her anymore;

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it's your system automatically switching to avoidance mode.

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This is a basic human instinct when facing an unsolvable threat:

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Fight or flight.

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Neither reaction is your fault.

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They are automatic protection mechanisms when your nervous system is depleted.

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But there's a particularly heart-wrenching paradox here.

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The angrier you get,

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the more she feels like a burden.

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The more you withdraw,

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the more she feels abandoned.

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And the more abandoned she feels,

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the deeper her depression becomes.

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The deeper her depression,

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the more powerless you feel,

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and the more you want to escape.

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Without realizing it,

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the two of you enter a spiral of mutual hurt.

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Not because of a lack of love,

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but precisely because you care too much.

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Yet no one knows how to express care in such an extreme state.

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Those unspoken words in your heart,

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I can guess some:

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"I'm exhausted too,

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but no one asks about me."

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"I don't know what you actually need.

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You don't want anything, but you're not satisfied with anything."

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"I feel like it's not that you don't want to get better;

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it's that you don't want me to have a good life."

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You feel guilty for even thinking that last sentence.

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But it has crossed your mind.

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Thinking it doesn't mean you're a bad person.

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It means your system is overloading.

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Layer three.

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No one allows you to say, "I can't do this anymore either."

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Look at your support system around you.

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Your parents are busy taking care of the baby.

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Her parents might be blaming you for not caring for her well enough.

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Your friends don't know how to talk to you about it.

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Your colleagues have no idea what you're going through at home.

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You go online to search for how to help a partner with postpartum depression.

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And what do the results say?

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"Be with her more," "Don't try to use logic with her,"

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"Give her space," "Do the housework," "Look after the baby."

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Every piece of advice tells you...

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You need to do more.

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Not a single one asks,

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"Are you okay?"

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You are defaulted into a role that doesn't need care.

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And the definition of this role itself...

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...is part of the problem.

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Because when you are defined as the "supporter,"

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your pain becomes something that isn't allowed to exist.

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You can't say you're tired,

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because she's more tired.

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You can't break down,

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because she's already broken.

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You can't say you need help,

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because everyone's attention is on her and the baby.

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Your pain has no name,

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no place,

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and no outlet.

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And you carry an extra layer of baggage:

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you feel entitled to no suffering at all.

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She's the one with the hormonal cliff.

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She's the one whose brain is being rewired.

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She's the one who can't even get a full night's sleep.

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Who are you?

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You're just the one standing by, watching.

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What right do you have to be tired?

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This thought that "my pain isn't valid enough"

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makes you swallow all your emotions.

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Swallowing it for a day is fine.

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A week is fine.

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But what about for months?

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Emotions don't disappear just because you deny them.

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They transform.

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They become unexplained irritability.

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They become weariness toward your work.

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They become that hollow feeling when you wake up at night.

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They become that indescribable fear when you look at your child.

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Do you know what this state is called in psychology?

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It's called being an "Invisible Casualty."

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You're standing at the scene of the accident, bleeding,

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but because there's someone more severely injured next to you,

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no one sees that you're bleeding too.

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Alright.

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Having said all that,

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you might be wondering,

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"So what should I do?"

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I won't give you a twelve-step action plan.

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Every family's situation is different.

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There's no universal manual.

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But there are a few things

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that I think are most important after digesting a lot of research.

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First,

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acknowledge that you are hurting too.

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This isn't showing weakness;

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it's an accurate self-assessment.

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When an airplane's oxygen masks drop,

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you must put your own on first

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before you can help her.

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If your own oxygen runs out,

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both of you will suffocate.

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You have the right to be exhausted,

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the right to be confused,

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the right to occasionally want to run away.

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Acknowledging these feelings

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doesn't make you a bad partner.

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On the contrary,

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someone who dares to admit they are also suffering

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is more likely to maintain long-term stamina.

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If you are suffering from insomnia, irritability, or chronic low mood,

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go see a doctor.

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Not for her,

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but for yourself.

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A partner's depression is depression, too.

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It is just as real as hers,

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and needs to be taken just as seriously.

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Second,

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stop trying to "fix" her.

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This may sound counterintuitive,

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but it might be the most important thing you learn.

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Recovery from postpartum depression is not linear.

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It's not a process where doing three things makes her all better.

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Some days she'll suddenly feel better,

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only to fall back down the next day.

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Even if you do everything right,

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her state might not change at all.

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Your job is not to make her well.

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Your job is to stay there

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while she is unwell.

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The difference between these two is massive.

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The former makes you a rescuer,

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who falls apart when they fail.

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The latter makes you an anchor.

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You don't need to solve the problem;

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you just need to not disappear.

270
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:47,692
What does it mean to not disappear?

271
00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:50,032
It doesn't mean hovering over her 24/7.

272
00:09:50,187 --> 00:09:52,631
It's sitting beside her when she cries instead of walking away.

273
00:09:52,787 --> 00:09:55,951
It's waiting before responding to her hurtful words.

274
00:09:56,106 --> 00:09:58,905
It's not panicking when she says she doesn't want to live,

275
00:09:58,907 --> 00:09:59,991
and not rushing to argue.

276
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:00,905
You just say,

277
00:10:00,907 --> 00:10:01,652
"I hear you."

278
00:10:01,866 --> 00:10:02,552
"I'm here."

279
00:10:03,267 --> 00:10:03,892
Co-regulation.

280
00:10:04,307 --> 00:10:06,072
I mentioned this concept in the last episode.

281
00:10:06,386 --> 00:10:07,451
Your calm breathing,

282
00:10:07,746 --> 00:10:09,066
your stable presence,

283
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,666
and your non-judgmental gaze—

284
00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:13,312
these are the medicine her nervous system needs most right now.

285
00:10:14,267 --> 00:10:16,032
You don't need to say anything clever.

286
00:10:16,586 --> 00:10:19,751
Your presence itself is a physiological intervention.

287
00:10:20,346 --> 00:10:20,892
Third,

288
00:10:21,386 --> 00:10:23,552
build your own support system.

289
00:10:23,907 --> 00:10:25,871
You can't be her only anchor.

290
00:10:26,187 --> 00:10:27,871
An anchor connects a ship,

291
00:10:28,147 --> 00:10:30,552
but if the anchor itself becomes loose,

292
00:10:30,626 --> 00:10:31,711
the ship is lost.

293
00:10:32,226 --> 00:10:33,591
Find an outlet.

294
00:10:33,986 --> 00:10:34,772
It could be a friend,

295
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:36,392
a brother,

296
00:10:36,466 --> 00:10:37,432
or a colleague.

297
00:10:37,866 --> 00:10:40,711
You don't need to detail your struggles;

298
00:10:40,947 --> 00:10:42,471
you just need a space

299
00:10:42,547 --> 00:10:45,865
to drop the role of "supporter"

300
00:10:45,866 --> 00:10:46,831
and just be yourself.

301
00:10:47,506 --> 00:10:49,511
If you can't find the right person,

302
00:10:49,746 --> 00:10:52,792
professional counseling isn't just for the patient.

303
00:10:53,106 --> 00:10:57,231
Caregiver counseling is a mature service in many places.

304
00:10:57,547 --> 00:10:58,351
There's no shame in it;

305
00:10:59,187 --> 00:11:00,792
it's a smart decision.

306
00:11:01,386 --> 00:11:01,932
Fourth,

307
00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:03,552
and the hardest one,

308
00:11:03,907 --> 00:11:06,231
is to lower your expectations of a "normal life."

309
00:11:06,746 --> 00:11:08,711
You might have a picture in your mind:

310
00:11:09,106 --> 00:11:13,991
A small family, a newborn, bliss, and a perfect social media life.

311
00:11:14,226 --> 00:11:16,591
Reality has torn that picture apart.

312
00:11:16,907 --> 00:11:18,591
You feel like your life is off the rails,

313
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:21,552
and you don't know when it will end.

314
00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:22,451
You wonder,

315
00:11:22,866 --> 00:11:24,371
"Is this the life I really wanted?"

316
00:11:24,947 --> 00:11:26,392
Here is a timeframe for reference:

317
00:11:26,626 --> 00:11:28,186
Most postpartum depression,

318
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:30,272
given professional treatment,

319
00:11:30,346 --> 00:11:33,192
improves significantly within six months to a year.

320
00:11:33,427 --> 00:11:34,091
Some even sooner.

321
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,471
Especially for those with early intervention.

322
00:11:36,746 --> 00:11:38,591
This isn't a permanent state,

323
00:11:38,826 --> 00:11:41,072
but it is a long process.

324
00:11:41,187 --> 00:11:42,586
There will be relapses along the way;

325
00:11:42,586 --> 00:11:45,552
times when you think things are better, only to fall back down.

326
00:11:45,986 --> 00:11:47,105
During this period,

327
00:11:47,106 --> 00:11:49,152
your life won't be "normal."

328
00:11:49,466 --> 00:11:50,552
Accepting this

329
00:11:50,826 --> 00:11:51,572
isn't giving up;

330
00:11:51,866 --> 00:11:53,272
it's being strategically pragmatic.

331
00:11:53,626 --> 00:11:55,312
Your energy is finite.

332
00:11:55,386 --> 00:11:58,851
You can't simultaneously be a perfect partner, a perfect father,

333
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:02,152
a perfect employee, and take care of your own mental health.

334
00:12:02,386 --> 00:12:04,865
Giving 100% to everything is impossible,

335
00:12:04,866 --> 00:12:05,831
and it's not necessary.

336
00:12:06,106 --> 00:12:10,511
Focusing your limited resources on three key things is enough:

337
00:12:10,746 --> 00:12:11,451
The baby is healthy,

338
00:12:11,826 --> 00:12:13,466
she is receiving professional treatment,

339
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,032
and you haven't broken down yourself.

340
00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:16,946
If you manage these three,

341
00:12:16,947 --> 00:12:18,871
you are already doing exceptionally well.

342
00:12:19,147 --> 00:12:20,251
I'm not just comforting you;

343
00:12:20,466 --> 00:12:22,072
I'm stating a fact.

344
00:12:22,466 --> 00:12:25,905
Those who can manage these three things under such intense pressure

345
00:12:25,907 --> 00:12:27,312
are already in the minority.

346
00:12:27,506 --> 00:12:28,011
Fifth,

347
00:12:28,386 --> 00:12:30,032
there are things you should never say:"

348
00:12:30,466 --> 00:12:32,192
'Other moms have gone through this too.'"

349
00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:33,408
Don't say it.

350
00:12:33,866 --> 00:12:34,905
This isn't encouragement;

351
00:12:34,907 --> 00:12:37,032
it's a stab at her most painful spot."

352
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:38,672
'Think about the baby.'"

353
00:12:39,147 --> 00:12:39,951
Don't say it.

354
00:12:40,466 --> 00:12:41,611
It's not that she doesn't care about the baby,

355
00:12:41,866 --> 00:12:43,152
she just lacks the strength to think about it.

356
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:46,312
Asking a drowning person to enjoy the scenery on the shore

357
00:12:46,386 --> 00:12:47,505
isn't encouragement;

358
00:12:47,506 --> 00:12:48,392
it's cruelty."

359
00:12:48,866 --> 00:12:50,392
'You're just overthinking it.'"

360
00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:51,448
Don't say it.

361
00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:53,552
Depression isn't overthinking.

362
00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:56,312
Depression is her brain chemistry out of balance.

363
00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:58,751
It's like a computer OS crashing;

364
00:12:58,826 --> 00:13:00,572
you can't just tell the computer 'don't crash.'"

365
00:13:01,267 --> 00:13:02,292
'What exactly do you want me to do?!'"

366
00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:05,471
You may have shouted this in your head a hundred times.

367
00:13:05,826 --> 00:13:06,631
I understand.

368
00:13:07,106 --> 00:13:08,466
But the moment you say it out loud,

369
00:13:08,466 --> 00:13:10,586
what she hears isn't your helplessness,

370
00:13:10,586 --> 00:13:11,751
but your resentment.

371
00:13:12,147 --> 00:13:13,331
Try saying it differently:"

372
00:13:13,787 --> 00:13:14,865
'I want to help,

373
00:13:14,866 --> 00:13:16,312
but I don't know how.

374
00:13:16,866 --> 00:13:17,892
Can you tell me?'"

375
00:13:18,986 --> 00:13:19,731
The same request,

376
00:13:20,027 --> 00:13:21,432
but with a completely different effect.

377
00:13:21,866 --> 00:13:23,706
There's also a more subtle kind of harm:

378
00:13:23,706 --> 00:13:25,792
praise that you think is helpful."

379
00:13:26,226 --> 00:13:28,312
'Look, you seem much better today!'"

380
00:13:28,787 --> 00:13:30,192
You think it's validation,

381
00:13:30,547 --> 00:13:32,392
but she hears it as pressure.

382
00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:35,711
Because she knows she might fall back down tomorrow,

383
00:13:35,787 --> 00:13:39,072
and your expectations make that fall even more painful.

384
00:13:39,466 --> 00:13:40,091
She will think,

385
00:13:40,346 --> 00:13:42,066
'If I'm not doing well tomorrow,

386
00:13:42,067 --> 00:13:43,511
will he be disappointed?'

387
00:13:44,106 --> 00:13:44,892
The best words

388
00:13:45,147 --> 00:13:46,672
are often the simplest:"

389
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:47,772
'How are you today?'"

390
00:13:48,386 --> 00:13:49,011
Without judgment,

391
00:13:49,226 --> 00:13:50,192
without expectation.

392
00:13:50,307 --> 00:13:52,831
Just an open, calm inquiry.

393
00:13:53,187 --> 00:13:54,412
Give her space to be okay,

394
00:13:54,866 --> 00:13:56,432
and space to not be okay.

395
00:13:56,885 --> 00:13:57,667
At this point,

396
00:13:57,667 --> 00:14:00,192
I want to do something I don't often do on this channel.

397
00:14:00,466 --> 00:14:03,951
I want to say a few words directly to the viewer who left that comment.

398
00:14:04,547 --> 00:14:04,892
Brother,

399
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:07,346
you haven't given up after getting this far.

400
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,072
That is already truly remarkable.

401
00:14:09,386 --> 00:14:11,312
The fact that you're willing to ask this publicly

402
00:14:11,586 --> 00:14:13,392
shows that you're still looking for a way out.

403
00:14:13,826 --> 00:14:14,932
Because you're still trying,

404
00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:17,152
it means your ship is still sailing.

405
00:14:17,626 --> 00:14:20,511
Postpartum depression is a storm with an end.

406
00:14:20,826 --> 00:14:23,032
You two aren't dying a slow death together;

407
00:14:23,307 --> 00:14:25,672
you are traversing a tunnel together.

408
00:14:25,947 --> 00:14:26,991
The tunnel is dark,

409
00:14:27,027 --> 00:14:28,192
but it has an exit.

410
00:14:28,506 --> 00:14:31,032
You don't need to be a perfect partner;

411
00:14:31,386 --> 00:14:33,466
you just need to be that steady candle

412
00:14:33,466 --> 00:14:35,192
during her darkest night.

413
00:14:35,586 --> 00:14:37,272
You don't have to light up the whole room;

414
00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:39,432
it's enough just to keep the flame from going out.

415
00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:41,432
These two companion episodes—

416
00:14:41,667 --> 00:14:43,631
one for her at the center of the storm,

417
00:14:43,826 --> 00:14:46,831
and one for you standing by her side.

418
00:14:47,226 --> 00:14:48,392
If possible,

419
00:14:48,427 --> 00:14:50,392
I hope you can watch them with each other.

420
00:14:50,787 --> 00:14:52,111
Watch the previous episode

421
00:14:52,226 --> 00:14:54,871
to feel what her brain is going through.

422
00:14:55,226 --> 00:14:56,672
Let her watch this one

423
00:14:56,826 --> 00:14:59,392
so she knows what you are enduring, too.

424
00:14:59,947 --> 00:15:02,072
Both of you carry your own pain,

425
00:15:02,267 --> 00:15:04,471
guessing what the other is thinking,

426
00:15:04,586 --> 00:15:07,192
misunderstanding each other's silence and outbursts.

427
00:15:07,547 --> 00:15:08,991
If there is a moment

428
00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:11,511
where you both see each other's wounds,

429
00:15:11,586 --> 00:15:14,511
that moment itself is the start of healing.

430
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:17,631
Not because the pain vanishes once seen,

431
00:15:17,787 --> 00:15:19,306
but because once it's recognized,

432
00:15:19,307 --> 00:15:22,152
you are no longer suffering alone.

433
00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:26,152
If you are also supporting a partner with postpartum depression,

434
00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:27,131
what would you like to say?

435
00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:28,851
How did you get through it?

436
00:15:29,307 --> 00:15:30,371
Or maybe you're still struggling.

437
00:15:30,866 --> 00:15:32,192
Let me know in the comments.

438
00:15:32,386 --> 00:15:34,871
I really want to hear your voices this time.

439
00:15:35,147 --> 00:15:35,932
I'm Wang Lijie.

440
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:37,260
See you next time.