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I apologized to my son.

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A program was shut down.

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Have you ever thought about this?

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The most stubborn label on you

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is not put there by others,

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but welded on by yourself.

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Hello,

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everyone.

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I am Wang Lijie.

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In this episode, I won't talk about koans

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or sutras.

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I want to share a small thing that happened to me recently.

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A very small thing.

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So small you might think it's not worth mentioning.

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But precisely such a small thing

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allowed me to see a program that's been running in me for decades.

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My son is studying in the U.S.

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A while ago,

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his forgetful and careless habits

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caused a significant financial loss.

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About 20,000 dollars.

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Of course,

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the loss was from my wallet.

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After it happened,

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it felt like a thorn in my side.

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Not because of the $20,000,

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but what really made me uncomfortable was

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that he seemed to have no apology for it at all.

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It didn't have to be a long letter;

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at least a sentence,

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or even a WeChat message.

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But he said nothing.

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During a midday nap one day,

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I had a dream.

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In the dream, my son was apologizing to me.

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I was quite happy when I woke up.

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I told my wife:

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"Look,

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he still feels guilty in his subconscious,

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he's just too embarrassed to say it."

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Chinese people

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are always like this—

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some things are just hard to say.

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Later, when my wife was video chatting with our son,

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she mentioned it casually.

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His reaction was: "Why apologize?"

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He felt nothing needed an apology lately.

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Okay.

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Right then,

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another seed was planted in my heart.

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What seed?

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A judgment.

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This kid caused a loss for the family due to his unreliability,

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and yet he hasn't even thought about apologizing.

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I didn't say it aloud,

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but the thought was buried there.

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About a month later,

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we were chatting in the family WeChat group.

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Because of another tiny matter,

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my tone of voice became a bit impatient.

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In text,

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tone can't be hidden.

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My wife privately reminded me: "Why are you so harsh with him?"

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I didn't really admit it at the time,

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but lying in bed that night,

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I began to seriously trace back the whole thing.

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Then I noticed something I had never noticed before.

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I had been waiting for my son to apologize.

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I felt he owed me one.

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This thought had been circling in my head for a month.

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But that night, I realized something: apologizing

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is a learned behavior.

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It's not written in the genes.

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How do children learn to apologize?

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Not because you tell them to, but by watching you.

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They learn by observation.

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In this family,

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from childhood to now,

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has he ever seen his father apologize to anyone in the family?

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Think about it carefully.

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It seems not.

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My wife does very well.

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If she gets emotional and loses her temper with the child,

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she takes the initiative to apologize afterward.

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But what about me?

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I don't think I've ever made that gesture at home.

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So, in the environment he grew up in,

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what signal was he receiving?

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Men don't apologize.

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Or more accurately,

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fathers don't apologize.

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This is what he observed himself.

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It's a seed in his Alaya consciousness,

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planted over and over by his environment as he grew up.

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And as for me,

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looking back,

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I never once saw my father at home

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apologize to anyone while I was growing up.

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So this seed in me

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has been running for at least two generations.

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Maybe longer.

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Maybe three or four generations,

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tracing all the way back

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to origins we cannot even identify.

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This is what Yogacara calls "perfuming."

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Seeds don't require intentional planting;

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they seep in like smoke.

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Whatever you do every day

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is what the people around you are being "perfumed" by.

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You think you aren't teaching him anything,

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but every one of your behavioral patterns

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leaves a trace in the ocean of his consciousness.

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In a previous episode, we discussed parent-child relationships—

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specifically, "how to avoid repeating

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the trauma of the previous generation in our own children."

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I promised then to do a dedicated episode on this topic.

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Today, I'm fulfilling that promise.

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The answer is actually quite simple.

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You don't need parenting communication classes

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or educational methodologies.

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You only need to change yourself.

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When you change,

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he will naturally change too.

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Because you are his environment.

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You are the source of his "perfuming."

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But changing yourself

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has a prerequisite: you must first see what program you're running.

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If you can't see it,

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how can you change it?

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After I realized this that night,

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I made a decision.

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The next day,

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I addressed my previous impatience in our WeChat group

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and formally apologized to my son.

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Then something interesting happened.

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Right after I apologized,

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he immediately apologized to me

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for the unreliable incident that caused a financial loss.

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The whole process was completely natural.

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No one forced him;

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no one demanded it;

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there was no prior buildup.

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It was like a lock suddenly clicking open.

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Do you notice?

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I waited for over a month,

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using hints, expectations, and silent pressure,

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and nothing happened.

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But I did just one thing—

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I apologized first—and everything cleared up.

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You see,

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this is how seeds work.

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When you plant a new seed,

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the corresponding seed in the other person's consciousness

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will also be activated.

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This isn't just "chicken soup" logic.

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It's not a simple moral exchange of

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"be nice to others and they'll be nice to you."

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This is the precise manifestation of Dependent Origination in relationships.

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When you change a cause,

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the entire web of conditions recalculates.

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You don't need to teach him to apologize.

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You just need to be authentic in front of him once.

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His subconscious mind will respond on its own.

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But I want to say something deeper here.

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Why haven't I apologized at home for decades?

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Is it because I've never done anything that required an apology?

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Obviously not.

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What was stopping me?

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A label.

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The label of "father."

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When you identify with being a "father,"

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that identity comes with its own set of rules.

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Fathers are authorities.

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Fathers are right.

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Fathers don't need to bow to their children.

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No one dictated this.

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It's your Manas-vijnana seizing that label

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and building a defense system around it.

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This is the most hidden form of ego-grasping.

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When we talk about ego-clinging,

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we think of something intense—

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selfishness, greed, or a need for control.

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But in reality, the deepest ego-grasping

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is often the quietest.

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It doesn't make a scene.

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It masks itself as "common sense."

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"A father doesn't bow to his child."

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That's not ego;

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that's just common sense, right?

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"A boss doesn't admit mistakes to subordinates."

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That's not arrogance;

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those are just the rules.

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You don't even perceive a problem.

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But what if you remove the label "father"?

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What if there's just a person in front of you,

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an independent life?

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If you spoke impatiently to them because of your mood,

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should you apologize?

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Of course you should.

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It's that label that makes you hesitate.

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It makes you feel that apologizing will damage your authority.

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It turns something that should be simple

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into something impossible.

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And it's not just the father-son relationship.

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Think about it.

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How many of your actions are locked by labels?

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You're the boss,

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so you don't apologize to staff.

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You're the teacher,

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so you don't admit fault to students.

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You're the senior,

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so you can't show weakness to the youth.

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You're a man,

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so you can't cry.

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You're a practitioner,

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so you can't admit you still feel jealous.

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Every label

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draws a line in the space of your behavior.

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That line says: if you cross it,

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you lose that identity.

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So you don't dare cross it.

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You'd rather let the relationship break,

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let the misunderstanding deepen,

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or let people around you be hurt,

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than step over that line.

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Because the moment you cross it,

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your ego experiences a small death.

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But that death

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is exactly what practice is.

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What has the Dharma been saying all along?

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It tells us that the identity

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was never who you are anyway.

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This reminds me of a story in the Vinaya.

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The Buddha was once inspecting the Sangha

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and found a monk who was very ill.

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He had dysentery,

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was covered in filth,

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and was lying in his own excrement.

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No one was looking after him

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because his body was too dirty.

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Everyone stayed away.

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The Buddha walked over,

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and together with Ananda,

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personally washed the monk's body.

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He changed his soiled clothes and moved him to a clean bed.

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After doing this,

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the Buddha gathered all the monks and said,

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"You have no parents here to care for you.

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If you do not care for one another,

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who will?"

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"To care for the sick,

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is to care for me."

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What moves me about this story?

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The Buddha was the teacher of the entire Sangha,

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the World-Honored One in everyone's eyes.

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By any worldly labeling system,

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he was the last person who should be doing this.

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Scrubbing a sick man's body,

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cleaning up his excrement—in Indian caste society at the time,

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this was work for the lowest of the low.

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But the Buddha did it.

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Not to perform compassion,

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not to teach his disciples a lesson;

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he simply saw a person in need

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and went to help.

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No labels created a barrier between him and the action.

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This is what a person who has completely uninstalled identity labels looks like.

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He didn't "disregard his status" to do it;

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within him, the concept of "status" didn't even exist.

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In his operating system,

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the program called "I am the World-Honored One, so I shouldn't do this"

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was never installed.

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Or rather,

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it might have been installed once,

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but was completely uninstalled that night under the Bodhi tree.

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We certainly cannot reach the Buddha's level,

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but the direction is the same.

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As we mentioned in the Bodhidharma episode,

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the deepest trap in practice isn't greed, anger, or ignorance—

280
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it's that final "garment" that has grown into the skin.

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"I am a good person," "I am a practitioner,"

282
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"I am a father"—these labels are the hardest to remove

283
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because you don't even realize they are labels.

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You think they are you.

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My realization that night

286
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wasn't some earth-shattering enlightenment.

287
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It was just a very tiny loosening.

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I saw that the "fathers don't apologize" program had been running in me

289
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for decades,

290
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and I had never once questioned it.

291
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Practice isn't about gaining universal truths on a cushion;

292
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it is found in the gaps of daily life,

293
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noticing the automated programs that have been running for a long, long time.

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Then you ask yourself: This program—

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did I choose to run it,

296
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or is it running itself?

297
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If you find it's running itself

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and you've never audited it,

299
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that is the working of avidya, or ignorance.

300
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It doesn't have to be massive ignorance,

301
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just a tiny blind spot,

302
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a corner where the light has never reached.

303
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This brings up an interesting point:

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Why did I figure this out right before sleep?

305
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Why not during the day?

306
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Because during the day, you're too busy.

307
00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:02,666
Your attention is entirely external,

308
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:05,912
handling tasks, responding to messages, playing roles.

309
00:11:06,226 --> 00:11:07,666
Only when you lie down at night

310
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,711
do those roles exit the stage one by one.

311
00:11:09,947 --> 00:11:13,471
The "investor" exits, the "husband" exits, the "content creator" exits.

312
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Whatever remains at the end,

313
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it finally has the space to speak up.

314
00:11:18,027 --> 00:11:21,731
This is why almost all traditions emphasize meditation,

315
00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:24,231
solitude, or reflection before sleep.

316
00:11:24,586 --> 00:11:27,111
It's not because dark has some mystic power,

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but because only when roles go offline

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does label-free awareness have a chance to see reality.

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00:11:36,187 --> 00:11:37,412
But once you shine a light on it,

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it begins to loosen.

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Once it loosens,

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change will happen,

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and it might happen much faster than you think.

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After I apologized to my son,

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a chain reaction occurred:

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he apologized to me too.

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This wasn't some educational trick

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or a communication technique;

329
00:11:55,986 --> 00:11:57,412
it was the manifestation of a seed.

330
00:11:58,067 --> 00:12:01,272
When you plant a new seed in your field of consciousness,

331
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it activates other seeds within the web of causality.

332
00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:08,312
By changing the behavioral pattern of your own node,

333
00:12:08,386 --> 00:12:10,751
the entire relational field fine-tunes itself.

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So, the one thing I want to share today is this:

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examine those behavioral patterns you take for granted,

336
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especially those you've never questioned.

337
00:12:21,787 --> 00:12:23,751
They might not even be your own choices;

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they are inherited,

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00:12:25,506 --> 00:12:26,611
seeds from your parents,

340
00:12:26,986 --> 00:12:28,306
cultural seeds,

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and the default settings of your identity labels.

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You are not your labels.

343
00:12:33,307 --> 00:12:35,131
You are the awareness that can examine those labels,

344
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choosing whether to keep or uninstall them.

345
00:12:39,986 --> 00:12:44,172
If you find a label stopping you from doing what you should,

346
00:12:44,626 --> 00:12:48,532
whether it's apologizing, showing vulnerability, or speaking kindly,

347
00:12:48,947 --> 00:12:50,511
then try to let it go.

348
00:12:50,706 --> 00:12:52,792
Letting it go won't cost you anything,

349
00:12:52,826 --> 00:12:54,392
but holding onto it is exactly what causes you

350
00:12:54,427 --> 00:12:57,792
to lose the chance for true connection.

351
00:12:58,147 --> 00:13:00,511
I used to think of "spiritual practice" as something heavy,

352
00:13:00,746 --> 00:13:04,292
reserved for grand experiences—the light of deep meditation,

353
00:13:04,706 --> 00:13:07,991
the realization of emptiness, or moments of oneness.

354
00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:10,265
But now I feel more and more

355
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,946
that the most valuable part of practice

356
00:13:11,947 --> 00:13:15,731
is these tiny moments of "seeing" in daily life.

357
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Seeing a program running,

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and then choosing to turn it off,

359
00:13:20,027 --> 00:13:21,091
or even choosing not to turn it off,

360
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but at least knowing that it's running.

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That's enough.

362
00:13:24,907 --> 00:13:27,971
I read about a Buddhist concept called "Anusaya"—latent tendencies.

363
00:13:28,586 --> 00:13:32,711
These are extremely subtle, dormant habits.

364
00:13:32,947 --> 00:13:35,951
They aren't as easily noticed as heavy afflictions;

365
00:13:36,147 --> 00:13:38,066
they are like background noise.

366
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,586
After listening to it for decades,

367
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:42,152
you don't even notice it's there anymore,

368
00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:44,731
until one day the environment suddenly goes quiet,

369
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:45,812
and you say, "Oh,

370
00:13:46,147 --> 00:13:48,231
that sound has been playing all along."

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00:13:48,787 --> 00:13:49,611
"Fathers don't apologize"

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00:13:50,147 --> 00:13:53,072
was a latent tendency for me.

373
00:13:53,346 --> 00:13:54,371
It was too quiet,

374
00:13:54,506 --> 00:13:55,586
too "normal"—

375
00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:59,672
so normal that I never thought to examine it.

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00:13:59,908 --> 00:14:00,586
Alright,

377
00:14:00,586 --> 00:14:03,552
that was my recent small experience with practice.

378
00:14:04,027 --> 00:14:04,611
It's trivial,

379
00:14:04,907 --> 00:14:05,745
not spectacular,

380
00:14:05,746 --> 00:14:09,831
but it truly changed how I interact with my family.

381
00:14:10,105 --> 00:14:10,826
From now on,

382
00:14:10,826 --> 00:14:13,426
I will apologize immediately for things I do wrong—

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00:14:13,427 --> 00:14:14,371
to my family,

384
00:14:14,706 --> 00:14:15,905
to my friends,

385
00:14:15,907 --> 00:14:16,932
to my subordinates,

386
00:14:17,187 --> 00:14:18,631
to anyone involved,

387
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:21,231
without any identity labels or ego.

388
00:14:21,626 --> 00:14:24,751
I believe everyone has corners in their life

389
00:14:24,787 --> 00:14:26,072
waiting to be seen—

390
00:14:26,307 --> 00:14:28,451
those "givens" you've never questioned,

391
00:14:28,866 --> 00:14:32,192
things you thought were common sense but are actually shackles.

392
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,011
Do you have a similar experience?

393
00:14:35,027 --> 00:14:36,131
Is there a label

394
00:14:36,547 --> 00:14:37,792
that has stuck you for a long time,

395
00:14:37,826 --> 00:14:40,371
until one day you realized it existed?

396
00:14:40,866 --> 00:14:42,792
Feel free to share with me in the comments.

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00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:43,731
I am Wang Lijie.

398
00:14:43,986 --> 00:14:44,731
See you next time.