1
00:00:00,260 --> 00:00:01,098
four words from Bodhidharma

2
00:00:01,379 --> 00:00:02,999
that expose fake helping

3
00:00:03,540 --> 00:00:05,118
someone asks to borrow thirty thousand from you

4
00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:06,538
you dont say yes on the spot

5
00:00:06,700 --> 00:00:08,159
you just say let me think about it

6
00:00:08,517 --> 00:00:10,016
that night lying in bed

7
00:00:10,077 --> 00:00:13,417
you run this persons last ten years through your head

8
00:00:13,798 --> 00:00:14,436
is he reliable

9
00:00:14,958 --> 00:00:15,917
will the money come back

10
00:00:16,398 --> 00:00:17,756
will saying no damage the friendship

11
00:00:18,317 --> 00:00:19,877
will saying yes make you look like a pushover

12
00:00:20,197 --> 00:00:20,877
and hell come back next time

13
00:00:21,557 --> 00:00:22,456
you calculate all night

14
00:00:22,918 --> 00:00:23,677
the next morning

15
00:00:24,078 --> 00:00:25,256
you send the money

16
00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:27,133
the moment it goes out

17
00:00:27,453 --> 00:00:29,073
you actually feel a little proud

18
00:00:29,134 --> 00:00:30,973
like you pulled off something hard

19
00:00:30,974 --> 00:00:32,672
you were a good person the hard way

20
00:00:32,893 --> 00:00:36,073
if that Indian monk from fifteen hundred years ago were standing there

21
00:00:36,094 --> 00:00:37,452
he would probably ruin the moment

22
00:00:37,854 --> 00:00:39,213
you thought about it all night

23
00:00:39,214 --> 00:00:41,412
and that already settled what this thing is

24
00:00:41,414 --> 00:00:42,952
what you did was not helping

25
00:00:44,297 --> 00:00:44,535
hello

26
00:00:44,857 --> 00:00:45,296
everyone

27
00:00:45,537 --> 00:00:46,556
this is Leo Wang

28
00:00:46,816 --> 00:00:47,776
todays topic

29
00:00:48,136 --> 00:00:49,916
dont interfere with other peoples karma

30
00:00:50,136 --> 00:00:52,276
you hear this line everywhere now

31
00:00:52,376 --> 00:00:54,035
but its usually served as feel good soup

32
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:56,035
or used as a shield for indifference

33
00:00:56,297 --> 00:00:57,815
most people only use the shell

34
00:00:58,096 --> 00:00:58,916
not the core

35
00:00:59,176 --> 00:01:01,395
either to explain why they walk away

36
00:01:01,456 --> 00:01:03,355
or they get pulled in anyway

37
00:01:03,376 --> 00:01:05,715
and two years later call the other person ungrateful

38
00:01:06,017 --> 00:01:07,595
I want to take this line apart

39
00:01:07,697 --> 00:01:09,635
down to something you can actually use

40
00:01:09,777 --> 00:01:10,776
not just understand it in theory

41
00:01:11,057 --> 00:01:12,995
but the next time someone reaches out

42
00:01:13,017 --> 00:01:15,355
you know what to do in those two seconds

43
00:01:16,070 --> 00:01:18,049
lets start with that Indian monk

44
00:01:18,150 --> 00:01:19,028
first lets be clear

45
00:01:19,230 --> 00:01:20,629
this is a Chan legend

46
00:01:20,629 --> 00:01:22,368
not a historical record

47
00:01:22,710 --> 00:01:24,088
Bodhidharma meeting Emperor Wu of Liang

48
00:01:24,109 --> 00:01:27,288
first appears in Chan texts over two hundred years after his death

49
00:01:27,350 --> 00:01:29,769
earlier biographies dont mention it at all

50
00:01:29,909 --> 00:01:31,069
its not verified history

51
00:01:31,070 --> 00:01:33,808
its a patriarch story built up layer by layer

52
00:01:33,909 --> 00:01:36,168
but the story has survived thirteen hundred years

53
00:01:36,269 --> 00:01:38,209
when a made up story lives that long

54
00:01:38,230 --> 00:01:40,248
its usually because it hits a real problem

55
00:01:40,910 --> 00:01:43,070
Emperor Wus investment in Buddhism

56
00:01:43,071 --> 00:01:45,130
was about as extreme as it gets in Chinese history

57
00:01:45,390 --> 00:01:47,609
building temples copying sutras ordaining monks

58
00:01:47,791 --> 00:01:50,529
he even gave himself to Tongtai Temple as a servant several times

59
00:01:50,591 --> 00:01:52,690
and the court paid a fortune to buy him back

60
00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:54,109
when Bodhidharma arrived by sea

61
00:01:54,311 --> 00:01:55,270
he was thrilled

62
00:01:55,270 --> 00:01:56,070
invited him into the palace

63
00:01:56,390 --> 00:01:57,289
and asked

64
00:01:57,390 --> 00:01:58,389
since I took the throne

65
00:01:58,630 --> 00:02:01,669
I have built temples copied sutras and ordained monks beyond counting

66
00:02:01,671 --> 00:02:02,889
what merit have I earned

67
00:02:03,110 --> 00:02:03,949
in plain words

68
00:02:04,311 --> 00:02:05,470
I have done all this

69
00:02:05,470 --> 00:02:06,589
how much merit have I banked

70
00:02:07,110 --> 00:02:08,850
Bodhidharma answered in four words

71
00:02:08,871 --> 00:02:10,130
no merit at all

72
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:12,977
later Chan texts added a line

73
00:02:13,319 --> 00:02:14,677
these are only small fruits of the human and heavenly realms

74
00:02:14,999 --> 00:02:16,137
causes that leak

75
00:02:16,238 --> 00:02:17,077
like a shadow following a body

76
00:02:17,439 --> 00:02:18,618
seemingly there but not real

77
00:02:19,078 --> 00:02:19,637
meaning

78
00:02:20,039 --> 00:02:21,897
all this belongs to worldly blessing

79
00:02:21,958 --> 00:02:23,218
its a leaking cause

80
00:02:23,398 --> 00:02:24,677
like a shadow that follows you

81
00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:25,598
it looks like something

82
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,257
but it has no substance

83
00:02:27,759 --> 00:02:29,577
this story has been told for over a thousand years

84
00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:30,797
and most people read it as

85
00:02:31,238 --> 00:02:33,818
Bodhidharma criticizing the emperor for clinging to merit

86
00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:36,038
you shouldnt do good for a return

87
00:02:36,398 --> 00:02:37,357
once you want a return

88
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,658
the merit is gone

89
00:02:38,958 --> 00:02:40,237
so give without form

90
00:02:40,518 --> 00:02:41,658
give without attachment

91
00:02:41,838 --> 00:02:43,197
this reading is too smooth

92
00:02:43,558 --> 00:02:45,297
so smooth that nobody questions it

93
00:02:45,439 --> 00:02:47,058
I used to think this way too

94
00:02:47,199 --> 00:02:48,658
but something has been swapped in here

95
00:02:48,838 --> 00:02:50,278
we assume a premise

96
00:02:50,759 --> 00:02:52,538
that what the emperor did was giving

97
00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:54,577
just not cleanly enough

98
00:02:55,431 --> 00:02:56,830
in the Platform Sutra Huineng

99
00:02:56,830 --> 00:02:58,490
flips that premise over

100
00:02:58,670 --> 00:02:59,029
he says

101
00:02:59,510 --> 00:03:00,469
the emperors mind was off

102
00:03:00,830 --> 00:03:01,930
he did not know the true dharma

103
00:03:02,151 --> 00:03:04,270
building temples ordaining monks giving alms holding feasts

104
00:03:04,670 --> 00:03:05,849
this is called seeking blessing

105
00:03:05,991 --> 00:03:08,170
you cannot call blessing merit

106
00:03:08,591 --> 00:03:09,909
merit lies in the dharma body

107
00:03:10,271 --> 00:03:11,449
not in cultivating blessing

108
00:03:12,070 --> 00:03:13,110
listen closely to that word

109
00:03:13,630 --> 00:03:14,449
seeking blessing

110
00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:17,890
Huineng did not say the emperor gave but clung

111
00:03:18,311 --> 00:03:19,409
he said

112
00:03:19,510 --> 00:03:22,330
what the emperor did is called seeking blessing

113
00:03:22,390 --> 00:03:25,050
it never belonged to the category of giving at all

114
00:03:25,311 --> 00:03:27,490
these are two completely different criticisms

115
00:03:27,830 --> 00:03:29,670
one says you did the right thing

116
00:03:29,991 --> 00:03:30,710
with the wrong attitude

117
00:03:31,031 --> 00:03:31,430
points off

118
00:03:32,031 --> 00:03:34,890
the other says you never did that thing at all

119
00:03:34,950 --> 00:03:36,890
you just wore its clothes

120
00:03:38,106 --> 00:03:39,144
so what was the emperor doing

121
00:03:39,425 --> 00:03:40,444
he was investing

122
00:03:40,666 --> 00:03:43,805
treasury money manpower decades of time

123
00:03:43,826 --> 00:03:47,764
expecting national fortune blessings in the next life and a legacy

124
00:03:48,066 --> 00:03:50,164
this is a deal with clear objectives

125
00:03:50,305 --> 00:03:51,144
is a deal wrong

126
00:03:51,444 --> 00:03:52,194
no

127
00:03:52,386 --> 00:03:54,884
the problem is he called the deal giving

128
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,720
back to your thirty thousand

129
00:03:58,261 --> 00:03:59,440
you calculated all night

130
00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:02,539
his credit the odds of getting it back

131
00:04:02,981 --> 00:04:06,199
the social cost of refusing the long term risk of agreeing

132
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:07,579
I have been investing for years

133
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:09,759
I have read countless business plans

134
00:04:09,941 --> 00:04:10,500
honestly

135
00:04:10,740 --> 00:04:12,820
the process running in your head that night

136
00:04:12,821 --> 00:04:15,639
is structurally identical to an investors due diligence

137
00:04:16,020 --> 00:04:17,100
so what did you actually do

138
00:04:17,580 --> 00:04:18,759
you made a deal

139
00:04:19,101 --> 00:04:20,459
the terms were never on paper

140
00:04:20,820 --> 00:04:21,839
the interest rate is zero

141
00:04:21,901 --> 00:04:22,779
the payback period is undefined

142
00:04:23,141 --> 00:04:25,040
the collateral is your relationship

143
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:26,259
as business

144
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:27,500
its terrible

145
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,199
but it really is business

146
00:04:29,817 --> 00:04:31,136
so here is my first point

147
00:04:31,576 --> 00:04:32,776
a deal is a deal

148
00:04:32,776 --> 00:04:34,076
helping is helping

149
00:04:34,216 --> 00:04:35,836
both are good things

150
00:04:36,136 --> 00:04:38,555
most of human civilization is built on deals

151
00:04:38,697 --> 00:04:40,115
deals are not beneath you

152
00:04:40,297 --> 00:04:41,016
lending someone money

153
00:04:41,257 --> 00:04:43,615
with interest a term and a guarantee

154
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,316
signed in black and white

155
00:04:45,336 --> 00:04:46,096
is perfectly decent

156
00:04:46,336 --> 00:04:47,596
and not the least bit crude

157
00:04:47,776 --> 00:04:48,975
what really goes wrong

158
00:04:48,976 --> 00:04:50,995
is calling a deal a favor

159
00:04:51,517 --> 00:04:52,937
once you call it a favor

160
00:04:52,957 --> 00:04:55,697
you write yourself an invisible IOU

161
00:04:55,877 --> 00:04:57,656
and the other person has no copy

162
00:04:57,957 --> 00:04:59,897
he doesnt know you lost sleep that night

163
00:04:59,957 --> 00:05:01,937
doesnt know what you turned down for him

164
00:05:02,038 --> 00:05:05,017
doesnt know how much expectation you attached to that money

165
00:05:05,358 --> 00:05:07,536
all he knows is you lent him thirty thousand

166
00:05:08,158 --> 00:05:09,596
three years later you remember it

167
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:10,577
and you say

168
00:05:10,718 --> 00:05:12,197
it was so hard and I still lent it to him

169
00:05:12,678 --> 00:05:13,937
and he never even said thanks

170
00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:15,697
the word ingrate

171
00:05:15,757 --> 00:05:18,577
is almost always invented by whoever kept the wrong books

172
00:05:18,998 --> 00:05:20,577
its not that hes ungrateful

173
00:05:20,757 --> 00:05:23,377
its that in a ledger he cannot see

174
00:05:23,397 --> 00:05:25,776
you recorded a debt he never signed for

175
00:05:26,086 --> 00:05:26,557
so what do you do

176
00:05:27,434 --> 00:05:27,994
its simple

177
00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:29,754
simple enough to spoil the mood

178
00:05:30,194 --> 00:05:32,333
make it a decent deal

179
00:05:32,554 --> 00:05:33,314
state the term

180
00:05:33,595 --> 00:05:34,114
when it comes back

181
00:05:34,675 --> 00:05:35,434
state the amount

182
00:05:35,795 --> 00:05:37,153
give what you can give

183
00:05:37,155 --> 00:05:37,793
dont overreach to look good

184
00:05:38,275 --> 00:05:39,074
state the conditions

185
00:05:39,434 --> 00:05:41,234
this money costs me something

186
00:05:41,235 --> 00:05:42,853
my plans this month have to change

187
00:05:43,275 --> 00:05:45,814
some think talking like this with friends hurts the relationship

188
00:05:46,074 --> 00:05:47,494
I think its the opposite

189
00:05:47,554 --> 00:05:48,953
what really hurts

190
00:05:48,954 --> 00:05:51,934
is saying no rush pay me back whenever

191
00:05:52,074 --> 00:05:53,273
while counting down inside

192
00:05:53,795 --> 00:05:55,453
saying its nothing at all

193
00:05:55,514 --> 00:05:57,614
while calculating how to collect the favor

194
00:05:57,835 --> 00:05:59,153
put the terms on the table

195
00:05:59,475 --> 00:06:00,973
and the relationship gets cleaner

196
00:06:01,554 --> 00:06:03,153
he knows what he owes

197
00:06:03,434 --> 00:06:04,514
if he can repay he repays

198
00:06:05,155 --> 00:06:05,754
if he cant

199
00:06:06,035 --> 00:06:07,773
he knows he cant

200
00:06:07,874 --> 00:06:09,953
and he wont use a weightless thank you

201
00:06:09,954 --> 00:06:12,694
to cover a debt he never knew the weight of

202
00:06:13,035 --> 00:06:13,554
vagueness

203
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,694
is what really damages relationships

204
00:06:16,884 --> 00:06:20,024
so I really hope you never say this years later

205
00:06:20,404 --> 00:06:22,704
I should never have helped him

206
00:06:22,964 --> 00:06:24,264
the moment you say that

207
00:06:24,365 --> 00:06:26,863
you admit you never meant it as a gift

208
00:06:27,404 --> 00:06:27,723
so then

209
00:06:28,125 --> 00:06:29,084
what is actually helping

210
00:06:29,725 --> 00:06:30,564
here is a scene

211
00:06:31,084 --> 00:06:32,903
test it on yourself

212
00:06:33,297 --> 00:06:33,936
youre walking down the street

213
00:06:34,378 --> 00:06:36,157
a kid ahead of you pitches forward

214
00:06:36,617 --> 00:06:38,557
your hand is already out

215
00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,277
notice the order

216
00:06:40,658 --> 00:06:45,157
its not judge hes falling decide to catch him then reach

217
00:06:45,497 --> 00:06:46,496
the hand moves first

218
00:06:46,737 --> 00:06:47,836
the thought arrives later

219
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,427
this is not mysticism

220
00:06:49,848 --> 00:06:53,388
the body really has a fast track that skips deliberation

221
00:06:53,608 --> 00:06:56,268
a spinal reflex takes about thirty to fifty milliseconds

222
00:06:56,408 --> 00:06:58,947
catching a falling object about a hundred

223
00:06:59,048 --> 00:07:00,648
while the thought hes going to fall

224
00:07:00,648 --> 00:07:01,848
as a complete thought

225
00:07:02,168 --> 00:07:03,588
takes more than twice as long

226
00:07:03,809 --> 00:07:06,348
a famous experiment in the eighties

227
00:07:06,449 --> 00:07:08,367
found the brains readiness signal

228
00:07:08,369 --> 00:07:11,668
came about a third of a second before the thought I want to move

229
00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:13,528
that experiment is heavily disputed today

230
00:07:13,848 --> 00:07:14,867
so no conclusions

231
00:07:14,889 --> 00:07:16,288
but it hints at one thing

232
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:19,148
consciousness is not always first on the scene

233
00:07:19,881 --> 00:07:21,081
look back at that reaching hand

234
00:07:21,321 --> 00:07:22,160
who did it

235
00:07:22,682 --> 00:07:24,621
not the you who weighs pros and cons

236
00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:26,241
that you is still on the way

237
00:07:26,602 --> 00:07:27,941
it hasnt reached the scene yet

238
00:07:28,162 --> 00:07:29,641
this is my whole test

239
00:07:30,162 --> 00:07:34,340
any help where your hand moves before you can think

240
00:07:34,441 --> 00:07:36,261
that one was meant for you

241
00:07:36,401 --> 00:07:38,460
you did not step into someone elses karma

242
00:07:38,482 --> 00:07:40,480
the karma walked to this point on its own

243
00:07:40,482 --> 00:07:41,980
and borrowed your hand

244
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:44,420
you were just the nearest pair of hands

245
00:07:45,093 --> 00:07:45,652
this kind of help

246
00:07:46,013 --> 00:07:47,511
leaves no entry in the ledger

247
00:07:47,773 --> 00:07:49,131
because there was no decision

248
00:07:49,453 --> 00:07:50,792
no cost accounting

249
00:07:50,893 --> 00:07:54,271
and no I gave something for the thought to root in

250
00:07:54,612 --> 00:07:57,032
you might even forget it on the way home

251
00:07:57,253 --> 00:07:59,292
but any help that needs a pass through your head

252
00:07:59,612 --> 00:08:02,672
weighing it calculating whether its worth it

253
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,592
has already left this category

254
00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:05,771
the moment you analyze

255
00:08:05,972 --> 00:08:07,751
youre already making a deal

256
00:08:07,932 --> 00:08:08,932
not that you shouldnt

257
00:08:09,292 --> 00:08:11,032
just dont call it helping

258
00:08:12,156 --> 00:08:13,656
let me block one misunderstanding

259
00:08:13,837 --> 00:08:15,296
someone will hear this and say

260
00:08:15,356 --> 00:08:17,156
so I should stop thinking about anything

261
00:08:17,156 --> 00:08:18,075
just run on instinct

262
00:08:18,317 --> 00:08:19,536
isnt that the practice

263
00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:20,695
thats not what I mean

264
00:08:20,997 --> 00:08:22,976
instinct does not mean shutting off your brain

265
00:08:23,116 --> 00:08:24,336
the truth is

266
00:08:24,356 --> 00:08:27,296
most of the time your hand simply does not move on its own

267
00:08:27,437 --> 00:08:28,656
that is the normal case

268
00:08:28,736 --> 00:08:29,476
the hand didnt move

269
00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:31,796
which means this one is not in that category

270
00:08:31,796 --> 00:08:32,815
thats all

271
00:08:32,997 --> 00:08:36,615
this test is not telling you to fake a thoughtless gesture

272
00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:38,476
its telling you to admit one thing honestly

273
00:08:38,877 --> 00:08:40,315
in that fraction of a second

274
00:08:40,316 --> 00:08:42,136
did my hand actually move

275
00:08:42,357 --> 00:08:42,756
if it did

276
00:08:42,997 --> 00:08:43,396
go

277
00:08:43,676 --> 00:08:44,496
dont look back

278
00:08:44,717 --> 00:08:45,116
if it didnt

279
00:08:45,477 --> 00:08:46,516
then handle it as a deal

280
00:08:46,877 --> 00:08:48,095
handle it in the open

281
00:08:48,499 --> 00:08:49,797
now the second thread

282
00:08:50,178 --> 00:08:51,498
more hidden than lending money

283
00:08:51,819 --> 00:08:52,778
and far more damaging

284
00:08:53,258 --> 00:08:53,998
rescuing people

285
00:08:54,538 --> 00:08:55,618
is there someone like this around you

286
00:08:56,138 --> 00:08:57,218
whose life is a mess

287
00:08:57,778 --> 00:08:58,738
an unhappy marriage

288
00:08:58,739 --> 00:08:59,817
the job is gone

289
00:08:59,819 --> 00:09:00,498
buried in debt

290
00:09:01,138 --> 00:09:03,157
stuck in a toxic relationship

291
00:09:03,459 --> 00:09:04,297
you watch and get anxious

292
00:09:04,619 --> 00:09:05,557
and you step in

293
00:09:05,778 --> 00:09:06,457
you analyze it for him

294
00:09:06,778 --> 00:09:07,457
you find him a job

295
00:09:07,778 --> 00:09:08,797
you lend money to clear his debts

296
00:09:08,859 --> 00:09:09,898
you tell him to leave that person

297
00:09:10,219 --> 00:09:11,638
you even negotiate on his behalf

298
00:09:11,859 --> 00:09:13,177
the time and emotion you spend

299
00:09:13,499 --> 00:09:14,797
is far more than thirty thousand

300
00:09:15,298 --> 00:09:16,978
two years later you notice two things

301
00:09:17,459 --> 00:09:19,598
his situation has not really improved

302
00:09:19,739 --> 00:09:20,337
a different pit

303
00:09:20,658 --> 00:09:22,337
the same way of falling in

304
00:09:22,819 --> 00:09:24,297
and you got dragged in yourself

305
00:09:24,658 --> 00:09:26,118
insomnia resentment

306
00:09:26,138 --> 00:09:28,638
fights at home all tied to this

307
00:09:29,673 --> 00:09:30,232
what happened

308
00:09:30,754 --> 00:09:32,653
I dont like making this mystical

309
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,013
its actually quite mechanical

310
00:09:34,193 --> 00:09:36,112
the trap a person keeps falling into

311
00:09:36,114 --> 00:09:39,413
is largely the fruit of his long term pattern of choices

312
00:09:39,833 --> 00:09:41,192
that fruit was meant for him

313
00:09:41,433 --> 00:09:41,633
suffering

314
00:09:41,994 --> 00:09:43,253
is his teacher

315
00:09:43,593 --> 00:09:44,153
only when he tastes it

316
00:09:44,433 --> 00:09:45,773
does the system update

317
00:09:46,073 --> 00:09:47,813
you take the fruit away for him

318
00:09:47,994 --> 00:09:48,673
and once you do

319
00:09:48,994 --> 00:09:50,352
two things happen at once

320
00:09:50,793 --> 00:09:52,133
his homework stays unfinished

321
00:09:52,154 --> 00:09:54,313
the same pattern grows the same fruit again

322
00:09:54,833 --> 00:09:56,732
and because you reached out and took it

323
00:09:56,754 --> 00:09:59,013
you took yourself into the chain

324
00:09:59,441 --> 00:10:01,781
its like doing a classmates homework as a kid

325
00:10:02,081 --> 00:10:03,080
the homework got handed in

326
00:10:03,201 --> 00:10:04,580
the grade came through

327
00:10:04,681 --> 00:10:06,380
both of you felt relieved

328
00:10:06,801 --> 00:10:07,600
but that problem

329
00:10:07,961 --> 00:10:09,580
he will never solve as long as he lives

330
00:10:10,081 --> 00:10:11,901
everyone has their own homework

331
00:10:12,081 --> 00:10:14,181
everyone has their own fruit to bear

332
00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:15,561
taking it off his hands

333
00:10:15,841 --> 00:10:16,941
is not helping him

334
00:10:17,081 --> 00:10:19,980
its taking away his one chance to learn

335
00:10:20,321 --> 00:10:23,301
you may even push his timetable for getting out

336
00:10:23,441 --> 00:10:25,181
further down the road

337
00:10:25,721 --> 00:10:27,781
the word backlash sounds frightening

338
00:10:27,841 --> 00:10:30,700
as if someone up there keeps books and comes for you

339
00:10:30,961 --> 00:10:31,980
I dont see it that way

340
00:10:32,321 --> 00:10:35,321
backlash just means you were never on that causal chain

341
00:10:35,321 --> 00:10:36,700
and you walked in

342
00:10:37,002 --> 00:10:37,720
once youre in

343
00:10:38,081 --> 00:10:40,340
whatever happens on the chain includes you

344
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:41,521
theres no punishment

345
00:10:41,762 --> 00:10:42,441
no revenge

346
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,901
only your position changed

347
00:10:44,407 --> 00:10:45,005
at this point

348
00:10:45,206 --> 00:10:45,926
you might ask

349
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:47,005
so by this logic

350
00:10:47,326 --> 00:10:48,526
I ignore my sick parents

351
00:10:48,806 --> 00:10:50,005
I ignore my kid in trouble

352
00:10:50,367 --> 00:10:51,566
I watch my partner go down

353
00:10:52,247 --> 00:10:53,965
here comes the key distinction

354
00:10:54,367 --> 00:10:55,105
shared karma

355
00:10:55,606 --> 00:10:57,766
with your parents your partner your children

356
00:10:58,007 --> 00:11:00,585
longtime partners brothers you grew up with

357
00:11:00,647 --> 00:11:02,865
your karma is already braided together

358
00:11:02,887 --> 00:11:05,105
it didnt tangle today when you stepped in

359
00:11:05,127 --> 00:11:07,385
it tangled decades ago

360
00:11:07,566 --> 00:11:08,286
for these people

361
00:11:08,566 --> 00:11:09,686
should I get involved

362
00:11:09,686 --> 00:11:10,786
is a fake question

363
00:11:11,127 --> 00:11:12,505
youre already in

364
00:11:12,566 --> 00:11:12,766
helping

365
00:11:13,127 --> 00:11:14,245
is part of the chain

366
00:11:14,606 --> 00:11:14,965
not helping

367
00:11:15,247 --> 00:11:16,786
is also part of the chain

368
00:11:17,007 --> 00:11:18,205
even the back of you walking away

369
00:11:18,566 --> 00:11:20,225
grows its own fruit

370
00:11:20,407 --> 00:11:21,766
inside a web of shared karma

371
00:11:22,047 --> 00:11:23,546
the question is how

372
00:11:23,566 --> 00:11:24,705
not whether

373
00:11:25,096 --> 00:11:26,056
what does how mean

374
00:11:26,417 --> 00:11:27,556
let me get concrete

375
00:11:27,897 --> 00:11:28,576
your parents get sick

376
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:29,916
of course you go

377
00:11:30,216 --> 00:11:31,316
no thinking required

378
00:11:31,616 --> 00:11:32,456
but once youre there

379
00:11:32,897 --> 00:11:34,235
there are two ways to be there

380
00:11:34,456 --> 00:11:38,475
one is you take his illness his emotions his lifetime of choices

381
00:11:38,496 --> 00:11:40,975
and load all of it onto your own shoulders

382
00:11:40,976 --> 00:11:42,656
then quietly add

383
00:11:43,057 --> 00:11:43,855
after all this

384
00:11:44,057 --> 00:11:45,836
he could at least cooperate a little

385
00:11:46,257 --> 00:11:46,936
the other is

386
00:11:47,297 --> 00:11:48,536
take the leave you need to take

387
00:11:48,537 --> 00:11:49,495
pay what you need to pay

388
00:11:49,856 --> 00:11:51,156
sit through the nights

389
00:11:51,257 --> 00:11:54,676
but you dont decide how he faces his own body

390
00:11:54,696 --> 00:11:57,995
and you dont expect these days to fix your relationship

391
00:11:58,417 --> 00:11:59,576
from outside these two

392
00:11:59,897 --> 00:12:01,475
look exactly the same

393
00:12:01,657 --> 00:12:03,836
inside theyre worlds apart

394
00:12:04,537 --> 00:12:05,056
in the first one

395
00:12:05,297 --> 00:12:06,475
youre still keeping books

396
00:12:06,496 --> 00:12:08,316
you just changed the cover

397
00:12:09,259 --> 00:12:10,538
what really needs care

398
00:12:10,899 --> 00:12:12,117
is people outside the web

399
00:12:12,659 --> 00:12:14,798
someone you barely know comes to you

400
00:12:15,139 --> 00:12:15,977
a distant relative

401
00:12:16,338 --> 00:12:18,038
a classmate you havent spoken to in years

402
00:12:18,178 --> 00:12:19,477
a friend from the internet

403
00:12:19,938 --> 00:12:20,977
stepping in for someone like this

404
00:12:21,539 --> 00:12:22,957
is actively connecting a wire

405
00:12:23,458 --> 00:12:24,298
you can connect it

406
00:12:24,698 --> 00:12:25,818
on one condition

407
00:12:26,299 --> 00:12:28,278
you have to truly abide nowhere

408
00:12:28,818 --> 00:12:30,398
the Diamond Sutra puts it bluntly

409
00:12:30,779 --> 00:12:31,617
a bodhisattva in regard to dharmas

410
00:12:31,978 --> 00:12:32,898
should abide nowhere

411
00:12:33,259 --> 00:12:34,357
and practice giving

412
00:12:34,685 --> 00:12:37,044
abiding nowhere is not a word for some lofty state

413
00:12:37,045 --> 00:12:39,103
it is a very concrete operation

414
00:12:39,565 --> 00:12:40,684
how concrete

415
00:12:41,204 --> 00:12:43,103
the moment the money leaves

416
00:12:43,244 --> 00:12:45,424
the matter is finished in your mind

417
00:12:45,805 --> 00:12:46,483
no loose ends

418
00:12:46,805 --> 00:12:47,863
no deadline

419
00:12:48,045 --> 00:12:50,263
no rehearsing how hell respond later

420
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:52,704
no corner of your phone

421
00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:55,944
pulling it up for you every few days

422
00:12:56,285 --> 00:12:57,584
you can test yourself

423
00:12:58,045 --> 00:12:59,064
six months later

424
00:12:59,124 --> 00:13:01,704
if you can still name the number in one second

425
00:13:01,765 --> 00:13:03,824
then you did not abide nowhere

426
00:13:04,180 --> 00:13:05,760
I know most people cant do this

427
00:13:05,821 --> 00:13:07,400
I often cant do it either

428
00:13:07,741 --> 00:13:10,439
so let me say something not very spiritual

429
00:13:10,701 --> 00:13:12,179
if youre just too soft hearted

430
00:13:12,180 --> 00:13:14,079
too easily swayed to refuse

431
00:13:14,221 --> 00:13:16,799
you cant get out a single no once they ask

432
00:13:16,821 --> 00:13:17,640
then lend it

433
00:13:18,020 --> 00:13:19,179
but in the second you transfer

434
00:13:19,461 --> 00:13:20,699
do one thing inside

435
00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:22,559
write the money off

436
00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:23,740
dont expect it back

437
00:13:24,060 --> 00:13:25,199
dont expect him to repay

438
00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:26,620
dont expect him to remember

439
00:13:26,621 --> 00:13:29,199
dont expect him to speak well of you later

440
00:13:29,501 --> 00:13:30,500
to put it harder

441
00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:32,919
dont even wait for the thank you

442
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:33,579
and even

443
00:13:33,861 --> 00:13:35,079
I am helping him

444
00:13:35,101 --> 00:13:36,799
dont keep that thought either

445
00:13:37,140 --> 00:13:38,179
as long as the thought is there

446
00:13:38,461 --> 00:13:40,120
the invisible IOU is there

447
00:13:40,867 --> 00:13:42,165
if you can really get there

448
00:13:42,187 --> 00:13:44,246
what you lent is no longer a bad debt

449
00:13:44,426 --> 00:13:45,145
that is giving

450
00:13:45,467 --> 00:13:47,006
that is what buddhas do

451
00:13:47,307 --> 00:13:47,746
if you cant

452
00:13:48,067 --> 00:13:49,325
then learn to say no

453
00:13:49,666 --> 00:13:51,045
a serious honest no

454
00:13:51,107 --> 00:13:54,386
is far cleaner than a good person secretly keeping books

455
00:13:54,386 --> 00:13:55,525
and far more compassionate

456
00:13:56,026 --> 00:13:58,925
because you didnt bury a mine he doesnt know about

457
00:13:59,721 --> 00:14:01,240
there is a Chan koan

458
00:14:01,242 --> 00:14:02,980
that makes a good ending here

459
00:14:03,321 --> 00:14:05,281
every time Master Baizhang taught

460
00:14:05,282 --> 00:14:07,541
an old man listened at the back of the crowd

461
00:14:07,801 --> 00:14:09,120
one day the crowd left

462
00:14:09,242 --> 00:14:10,220
the old man stayed

463
00:14:10,242 --> 00:14:10,600
he said

464
00:14:10,961 --> 00:14:11,940
I am not human

465
00:14:12,081 --> 00:14:14,740
long ago I taught on this mountain too

466
00:14:14,801 --> 00:14:16,120
a student asked me

467
00:14:16,122 --> 00:14:18,320
does a great practitioner still fall into cause and effect

468
00:14:18,321 --> 00:14:18,720
I answered

469
00:14:19,002 --> 00:14:20,021
he does not fall into cause and effect

470
00:14:20,122 --> 00:14:21,401
and because of that one line

471
00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:23,501
I was reborn five hundred lives as a wild fox

472
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:25,846
the old man knelt and begged Baizhang

473
00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:28,165
please answer that question again for me

474
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:31,005
Chan calls this a turning word

475
00:14:31,226 --> 00:14:32,486
one sentence

476
00:14:32,506 --> 00:14:35,125
that turns the place where someone is stuck

477
00:14:35,506 --> 00:14:37,326
Baizhang also answered in four words

478
00:14:37,587 --> 00:14:38,765
not blind to cause and effect

479
00:14:39,187 --> 00:14:40,425
the old man awakened on the spot

480
00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:41,885
and shed the fox body

481
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:42,733
look

482
00:14:43,094 --> 00:14:44,274
one word apart

483
00:14:44,535 --> 00:14:45,373
not falling into cause and effect

484
00:14:45,694 --> 00:14:47,373
says my practice is complete

485
00:14:47,375 --> 00:14:48,613
karma no longer applies to me

486
00:14:48,775 --> 00:14:49,993
I jumped out

487
00:14:50,135 --> 00:14:50,973
not blind to cause and effect

488
00:14:51,255 --> 00:14:52,693
says I am inside karma

489
00:14:52,694 --> 00:14:53,814
I have always been inside

490
00:14:53,974 --> 00:14:55,353
I am simply not confused

491
00:14:55,735 --> 00:14:55,934
blind

492
00:14:56,255 --> 00:14:56,934
means not seeing clearly

493
00:14:57,294 --> 00:14:58,634
means lying to yourself

494
00:14:59,015 --> 00:14:59,373
so

495
00:14:59,655 --> 00:15:01,993
the line dont interfere with other peoples karma

496
00:15:02,015 --> 00:15:03,154
what it really means

497
00:15:03,294 --> 00:15:04,613
was never dont get involved

498
00:15:04,974 --> 00:15:06,394
it is dont lie to yourself

499
00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:08,873
dont call an investment a sacrifice

500
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:11,873
dont call paying a social cost compassion

501
00:15:11,895 --> 00:15:14,634
dont call weakness that cant refuse kindness

502
00:15:14,866 --> 00:15:16,326
one more layer

503
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:18,686
look back at that night of struggle

504
00:15:19,106 --> 00:15:20,946
you thought you were struggling over whether to help him

505
00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:22,446
be honest

506
00:15:22,467 --> 00:15:24,726
what you struggled with probably wasnt him at all

507
00:15:24,986 --> 00:15:25,826
what you struggled with was

508
00:15:26,146 --> 00:15:27,025
if I dont lend it

509
00:15:27,506 --> 00:15:28,145
what kind of person am I

510
00:15:28,787 --> 00:15:31,186
for years you have been the warm one

511
00:15:31,506 --> 00:15:33,566
the reliable one who never says no

512
00:15:33,947 --> 00:15:34,866
now you refuse

513
00:15:35,146 --> 00:15:36,806
and the persona cracks

514
00:15:37,106 --> 00:15:38,265
what you were protecting is not him

515
00:15:38,907 --> 00:15:40,466
its the sign that says I am a good person

516
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:41,606
that sign

517
00:15:42,021 --> 00:15:42,940
the words no self

518
00:15:43,220 --> 00:15:45,119
may sound mystical elsewhere

519
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,320
here they are not mystical at all

520
00:15:47,621 --> 00:15:50,160
no self simply means taking that sign down

521
00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:54,520
dropping the saint label the compassionate persona the good person mask

522
00:15:54,661 --> 00:15:57,800
and looking honestly at your real motive right now

523
00:15:58,141 --> 00:15:59,979
look clearly and you find two things

524
00:16:00,541 --> 00:16:01,199
first

525
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:02,579
much of what you called kindness

526
00:16:02,940 --> 00:16:04,320
is actually fear

527
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:05,379
fear of disappointing people

528
00:16:05,661 --> 00:16:06,820
fear of losing the relationship

529
00:16:06,820 --> 00:16:09,400
fear of becoming a bad person in your own eyes

530
00:16:09,621 --> 00:16:09,940
second

531
00:16:10,340 --> 00:16:11,680
once the sign comes down

532
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:16,400
some truly clean unconditional goodwill starts rising on its own

533
00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:19,920
because it no longer needs approval from that self

534
00:16:20,621 --> 00:16:22,660
then when you see wrong and step in

535
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,180
the move is fast

536
00:16:24,180 --> 00:16:25,020
without thinking

537
00:16:25,261 --> 00:16:26,400
finished on the spot

538
00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:28,680
that kind of move has no backlash

539
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:30,800
because there is no self at all

540
00:16:30,861 --> 00:16:32,640
standing there waiting to collect

541
00:16:33,607 --> 00:16:35,307
one last question for you

542
00:16:35,607 --> 00:16:36,406
think back over your life

543
00:16:36,688 --> 00:16:37,866
was there ever a time

544
00:16:38,088 --> 00:16:40,327
your hand moved before the thought

545
00:16:40,808 --> 00:16:41,687
maybe by the road

546
00:16:42,048 --> 00:16:43,166
in a hospital hallway

547
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:45,067
in front of a total stranger

548
00:16:45,647 --> 00:16:48,006
did you feel afterward that you had given something

549
00:16:48,767 --> 00:16:51,107
I bet you cant even recall the details

550
00:16:51,607 --> 00:16:54,327
and the ones you remember perfectly the amount

551
00:16:54,568 --> 00:16:57,026
the date how they treated you afterward

552
00:16:57,088 --> 00:16:58,166
think about it yourself

553
00:16:58,168 --> 00:16:59,707
what were those really

554
00:17:00,088 --> 00:17:01,746
tell me your answer in the comments

555
00:17:01,928 --> 00:17:02,847
I really want to know

556
00:17:03,168 --> 00:17:04,487
that ledger inside you

557
00:17:04,487 --> 00:17:06,506
when did you start keeping it

558
00:17:06,847 --> 00:17:07,607
this is Leo Wang

559
00:17:07,967 --> 00:17:09,136
see you next time