1
00:00:00,427 --> 00:00:01,692
吵得最凶的两个人

2
00:00:01,987 --> 00:00:03,592
睡在同一张床上

3
00:00:03,827 --> 00:00:05,652
你有没有注意过一件奇怪的事

4
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:07,192
在公司

5
00:00:07,267 --> 00:00:10,672
同事把你精心做了一周的方案改得面目全非

6
00:00:10,746 --> 00:00:12,332
你能笑着说"挺好的

7
00:00:12,506 --> 00:00:13,211
我再调调"

8
00:00:13,827 --> 00:00:14,912
在饭局上

9
00:00:14,946 --> 00:00:17,946
一个不太熟的人当面反驳你的观点

10
00:00:17,946 --> 00:00:20,065
你能端着杯子说"你说得对

11
00:00:20,067 --> 00:00:21,692
我确实没想到这个角度"

12
00:00:22,426 --> 00:00:23,506
但是回到家

13
00:00:23,507 --> 00:00:25,931
你的伴侣只是问了一句"垃圾倒了吗"

14
00:00:26,187 --> 00:00:27,992
你就莫名其妙地炸了

15
00:00:28,347 --> 00:00:29,172
你有没有想过

16
00:00:29,547 --> 00:00:30,832
到底是什么东西

17
00:00:30,946 --> 00:00:33,072
让你对全世界都有耐心

18
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:34,892
唯独对最亲的人没有

19
00:00:35,506 --> 00:00:35,851
哈喽

20
00:00:36,146 --> 00:00:36,612
大家好

21
00:00:36,906 --> 00:00:37,832
我是王利杰

22
00:00:38,146 --> 00:00:41,466
今天这一期我想拆一个几乎每个人都经历过

23
00:00:41,466 --> 00:00:43,692
但极少有人真正想明白的事

24
00:00:44,186 --> 00:00:46,146
为什么你跟伴侣吵的架

25
00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:48,091
比跟世界上任何一个人都多

26
00:00:48,746 --> 00:00:51,345
大部分人的第一反应是：性格不合

27
00:00:51,347 --> 00:00:52,432
他不理解我

28
00:00:52,546 --> 00:00:54,871
她总在不对的时间说不对的话

29
00:00:55,146 --> 00:00:56,491
真相比这残忍得多

30
00:00:56,707 --> 00:00:57,752
也温柔得多

31
00:00:57,987 --> 00:01:00,112
今天我从四个层面给你拆

32
00:01:00,307 --> 00:01:00,892
从大脑

33
00:01:00,987 --> 00:01:02,752
一直拆到意识的底层

34
00:01:03,209 --> 00:01:04,009
第一层

35
00:01:04,227 --> 00:01:06,272
你的大脑在家和在外面

36
00:01:06,307 --> 00:01:08,831
跑的是两套完全不同的操作系统

37
00:01:09,186 --> 00:01:10,871
神经科学的研究发现

38
00:01:10,906 --> 00:01:12,591
人在社交场合的时候

39
00:01:12,826 --> 00:01:16,111
前额叶皮层会进入一种"高度监控"状态

40
00:01:16,266 --> 00:01:19,671
它在你的真实情绪和你嘴巴里说出来的话之间

41
00:01:19,706 --> 00:01:21,751
硬插了一道审查程序

42
00:01:21,867 --> 00:01:23,105
你心里想骂人

43
00:01:23,106 --> 00:01:24,731
它帮你翻译成"我再想想"

44
00:01:25,387 --> 00:01:27,146
你内心翻了十八个白眼

45
00:01:27,147 --> 00:01:29,391
它帮你挤出一张得体的笑脸

46
00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:30,632
这不是虚伪

47
00:01:30,947 --> 00:01:32,986
这是人类作为群居动物

48
00:01:32,986 --> 00:01:35,272
几百万年自然选择的结果

49
00:01:35,667 --> 00:01:36,871
在原始部落里

50
00:01:36,947 --> 00:01:39,272
你要是对同伴乱发脾气

51
00:01:39,387 --> 00:01:40,632
就可能被孤立

52
00:01:41,027 --> 00:01:41,731
而被孤立

53
00:01:42,066 --> 00:01:43,391
就意味着死亡

54
00:01:43,906 --> 00:01:48,152
所以前额叶学会了一项核心技能 - 在外人面前

55
00:01:48,307 --> 00:01:49,471
管住你的嘴

56
00:01:49,947 --> 00:01:50,932
但当你回到家

57
00:01:51,227 --> 00:01:52,465
面对你的伴侣

58
00:01:52,466 --> 00:01:56,152
你的大脑做了一个关键判定 - 这个人是安全的

59
00:01:56,368 --> 00:01:57,147
注意

60
00:01:57,147 --> 00:02:00,152
这个判定不是你理性思考后做出的

61
00:02:00,466 --> 00:02:04,231
是你的依恋系统在毫秒级别自动完成的

62
00:02:04,546 --> 00:02:06,591
从你们确认关系的那天起

63
00:02:06,787 --> 00:02:10,292
杏仁核就悄悄把这个人写进了一份"安全名单"

64
00:02:11,026 --> 00:02:12,632
一旦进入这份名单

65
00:02:12,747 --> 00:02:15,592
前额叶的审查力度就直线下降

66
00:02:15,986 --> 00:02:18,385
你在外面那套"管住嘴"的程序

67
00:02:18,387 --> 00:02:20,472
回到家就自动关机了

68
00:02:21,067 --> 00:02:21,891
这意味着什么

69
00:02:22,347 --> 00:02:24,771
意味着你白天积攒了一整天的委屈

70
00:02:25,106 --> 00:02:27,192
挫败、焦虑和不满

71
00:02:27,306 --> 00:02:29,632
全部被前额叶压在缓存里

72
00:02:29,947 --> 00:02:31,012
回到家的那一刻

73
00:02:31,306 --> 00:02:32,711
安全信号触发

74
00:02:32,787 --> 00:02:33,572
闸门打开

75
00:02:33,947 --> 00:02:35,512
情绪倾泻而出

76
00:02:35,787 --> 00:02:37,852
你的伴侣问了一句"垃圾倒了吗"

77
00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:40,192
只不过恰好站在了泄洪口

78
00:02:40,387 --> 00:02:42,991
他接住的不是你对那句话的反应

79
00:02:43,146 --> 00:02:43,931
他接住的

80
00:02:44,146 --> 00:02:46,592
是你一整天的情绪总账单

81
00:02:46,986 --> 00:02:50,792
所以很多人下班进门的头十分钟是最危险的

82
00:02:51,106 --> 00:02:52,991
不是伴侣做错了什么

83
00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:55,891
是你的大脑刚刚完成了一次系统切换

84
00:02:56,387 --> 00:02:58,051
从"社交审查模式"

85
00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:00,012
切到了"家庭卸载模式"

86
00:03:00,826 --> 00:03:05,151
有研究让参与者分别面对陌生人和伴侣的批评

87
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:06,692
面对陌生人时

88
00:03:07,106 --> 00:03:08,711
前额叶活动很强

89
00:03:08,866 --> 00:03:10,352
情绪被压得住

90
00:03:10,747 --> 00:03:12,991
同样的话换成伴侣来说

91
00:03:13,146 --> 00:03:15,391
前额叶活动明显减弱

92
00:03:15,546 --> 00:03:18,231
杏仁核的反应却显著增强

93
00:03:18,627 --> 00:03:22,151
翻译成人话就是 - 同样一句刺耳的话

94
00:03:22,187 --> 00:03:23,032
别人说

95
00:03:23,067 --> 00:03:25,032
你的大脑帮你兜住了

96
00:03:25,266 --> 00:03:26,051
你爱人说

97
00:03:26,387 --> 00:03:28,231
大脑直接放行了

98
00:03:28,586 --> 00:03:30,551
这不是你的意志力出了问题

99
00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:34,051
是进化帮你做了一个你没授权的决定

100
00:03:34,586 --> 00:03:36,352
在最安全的人面前

101
00:03:36,426 --> 00:03:38,472
审查系统自动降级

102
00:03:38,907 --> 00:03:39,711
第二层

103
00:03:40,347 --> 00:03:41,551
期待的不对称

104
00:03:41,907 --> 00:03:43,731
你对一个外卖小哥有什么期待

105
00:03:44,426 --> 00:03:45,831
准时送到就行

106
00:03:46,187 --> 00:03:48,872
他迟到五分钟你可能有点不高兴

107
00:03:48,947 --> 00:03:50,072
但不会崩溃

108
00:03:50,507 --> 00:03:52,132
你对一个同事有什么期待

109
00:03:52,747 --> 00:03:54,271
该做的做好就行

110
00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:55,611
他偶尔犯个错

111
00:03:55,947 --> 00:03:57,671
你摇摇头也就过了

112
00:03:57,907 --> 00:03:59,872
但你对伴侣的期待清单

113
00:03:59,947 --> 00:04:02,391
比你自己意识到的要长十倍

114
00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:05,951
你期待他下班回来能主动问你今天累不累

115
00:04:06,266 --> 00:04:09,632
你期待她能记住你上周随口提过的那家餐厅

116
00:04:10,067 --> 00:04:13,752
你期待他在你皱眉的那一瞬间就读懂你的不开心

117
00:04:14,146 --> 00:04:16,512
你期待她在你最脆弱的时刻

118
00:04:16,547 --> 00:04:18,911
不需要你开口就知道该怎么做

119
00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:21,891
心理学管这种现象叫"读心期待"

120
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:23,906
你潜意识里相信

121
00:04:23,906 --> 00:04:25,266
如果他真的爱我

122
00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:27,471
就应该自动知道我在想什么

123
00:04:27,747 --> 00:04:29,232
这个期待一旦落空

124
00:04:29,307 --> 00:04:32,512
产生的情绪远远超过事件本身的分量

125
00:04:33,026 --> 00:04:34,252
同事忘了你的生日

126
00:04:34,586 --> 00:04:35,946
你会想"正常

127
00:04:35,947 --> 00:04:36,812
关系没那么近"

128
00:04:37,387 --> 00:04:38,826
伴侣忘了你的生日

129
00:04:38,826 --> 00:04:40,812
你会想"他心里根本没有我"

130
00:04:41,427 --> 00:04:42,586
同样一件事

131
00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:44,831
你给两个人打了完全不同的分

132
00:04:45,146 --> 00:04:47,951
不是因为它造成了不同的客观损害

133
00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:51,872
而是你的依恋系统给不同的人挂了不同的权重

134
00:04:52,187 --> 00:04:52,812
越亲密

135
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,031
权重越高

136
00:04:54,867 --> 00:04:55,946
同样的疏忽

137
00:04:55,947 --> 00:04:58,151
被赋予了完全不同的意义

138
00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:01,232
戈特曼研究了四十多年的夫妻互动

139
00:05:01,547 --> 00:05:04,791
他发现了一个规律 - 婚姻出问题的核心

140
00:05:04,867 --> 00:05:06,432
不是吵架的频率

141
00:05:06,466 --> 00:05:10,711
而是一方发出的"情感竞标"被另一方忽略的频率

142
00:05:11,226 --> 00:05:12,012
什么是竞标

143
00:05:12,627 --> 00:05:14,891
你说了一句"今天天气真好"

144
00:05:15,307 --> 00:05:16,911
你不是在聊天气

145
00:05:16,947 --> 00:05:18,091
你是在说"来

146
00:05:18,427 --> 00:05:19,451
跟我连接一下"

147
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:21,612
对方回了一句"嗯

148
00:05:22,026 --> 00:05:22,572
是不错"

149
00:05:23,146 --> 00:05:24,232
竞标成功

150
00:05:24,706 --> 00:05:26,432
如果对方头都没抬

151
00:05:26,507 --> 00:05:28,091
或者甩了一句"你烦不烦"

152
00:05:28,547 --> 00:05:29,591
竞标失败

153
00:05:29,987 --> 00:05:30,771
戈特曼发现

154
00:05:31,146 --> 00:05:33,065
最后走向离婚的夫妻

155
00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:34,586
不是吵得最凶的

156
00:05:34,586 --> 00:05:36,672
而是竞标失败率最高的

157
00:05:36,906 --> 00:05:38,591
他做过一个经典研究

158
00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:41,192
跟踪了一百三十对新婚夫妻

159
00:05:41,266 --> 00:05:43,305
观察他们日常互动的细节

160
00:05:43,307 --> 00:05:44,831
然后六年后回访

161
00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:45,651
结果发现

162
00:05:45,947 --> 00:05:47,985
婚姻依然幸福的那些夫妻

163
00:05:47,987 --> 00:05:50,752
在日常生活里对伴侣发出的竞标

164
00:05:50,826 --> 00:05:52,591
回应率是百分之八十六

165
00:05:52,747 --> 00:05:54,305
而那些已经离婚的

166
00:05:54,307 --> 00:05:56,192
回应率只有百分之三十三

167
00:05:56,666 --> 00:05:58,192
差距不在大事上

168
00:05:58,627 --> 00:06:01,031
不在谁赚得多、谁做得对

169
00:06:01,346 --> 00:06:04,091
全在那些你根本没当回事的小瞬间里

170
00:06:04,666 --> 00:06:06,391
她叫你看窗外的晚霞

171
00:06:06,427 --> 00:06:07,552
你头都没抬

172
00:06:07,747 --> 00:06:09,951
他跟你聊今天公司发生的事

173
00:06:10,026 --> 00:06:12,172
你眼睛盯着手机说了句"嗯"

174
00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:14,706
每一次微小的忽略

175
00:06:14,706 --> 00:06:17,432
都在你们之间的信任账户里扣了一笔

176
00:06:17,706 --> 00:06:18,492
笔数够了

177
00:06:18,747 --> 00:06:20,031
信任就塌了

178
00:06:20,226 --> 00:06:21,586
信任一旦塌了

179
00:06:21,586 --> 00:06:23,992
同样一句话的杀伤力翻十倍

180
00:06:24,547 --> 00:06:25,432
第三层

181
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:27,572
佛学能给出最精准的解释

182
00:06:28,026 --> 00:06:30,031
末那识的"我的"执着

183
00:06:30,226 --> 00:06:31,425
之前我们聊过

184
00:06:31,427 --> 00:06:34,672
唯识学里末那识的核心功能是执我

185
00:06:34,906 --> 00:06:36,812
它无时无刻不在做一件事

186
00:06:37,187 --> 00:06:39,112
把一切往"我"上面贴

187
00:06:39,346 --> 00:06:40,252
这是我的身体

188
00:06:40,507 --> 00:06:41,791
那是我的想法

189
00:06:41,867 --> 00:06:43,625
这份成绩是我的能力

190
00:06:43,627 --> 00:06:45,391
那个孩子是我的骨肉

191
00:06:45,627 --> 00:06:46,665
而你的伴侣

192
00:06:46,666 --> 00:06:49,831
是末那识贴上"我的"标签最深的人之一

193
00:06:50,427 --> 00:06:53,512
这造成了一个微妙但极其强大的效应

194
00:06:53,786 --> 00:06:55,732
一旦一个人被标记为"我的人"

195
00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:59,072
他的独立意志就会变成对"我"的威胁

196
00:06:59,507 --> 00:07:00,812
同事不同意你的方案

197
00:07:01,026 --> 00:07:02,232
你可能不开心

198
00:07:02,307 --> 00:07:04,312
但末那识不会拉警报

199
00:07:04,586 --> 00:07:06,132
因为同事不是"我的"

200
00:07:06,666 --> 00:07:09,091
你的朋友说了一句"你最近是不是胖了"

201
00:07:09,427 --> 00:07:11,031
你笑一笑就过了

202
00:07:11,226 --> 00:07:13,225
同样的话你伴侣说出来

203
00:07:13,226 --> 00:07:14,791
你当场就能变脸

204
00:07:15,146 --> 00:07:15,891
区别在哪

205
00:07:16,427 --> 00:07:17,812
朋友评价你的身体

206
00:07:18,266 --> 00:07:19,791
末那识不在乎

207
00:07:19,867 --> 00:07:21,012
他没资格定义"我"

208
00:07:21,586 --> 00:07:23,185
伴侣评价你的身体

209
00:07:23,187 --> 00:07:26,651
末那识瞬间跳起来 - "我的"人在否定"我"

210
00:07:27,165 --> 00:07:27,906
所以

211
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:30,411
伴侣说了一句"我觉得你这样做不太好"

212
00:07:30,786 --> 00:07:32,391
哪怕语气再温和

213
00:07:32,427 --> 00:07:36,192
末那识的警报都会被触发 - 我的人在质疑我

214
00:07:36,226 --> 00:07:38,031
我的人不站在我这边

215
00:07:38,146 --> 00:07:40,351
我的人正在脱离我的控制

216
00:07:40,747 --> 00:07:43,271
你以为你在跟伴侣吵某个具体的事

217
00:07:43,666 --> 00:07:44,711
买不买那个东西

218
00:07:45,026 --> 00:07:46,512
孩子该不该上那个班

219
00:07:46,627 --> 00:07:48,351
周末去看谁家父母

220
00:07:48,666 --> 00:07:50,026
其实你在吵的

221
00:07:50,026 --> 00:07:51,732
是一个从来没有说出口的问题

222
00:07:52,307 --> 00:07:54,052
你到底还是不是"我的"

223
00:07:54,627 --> 00:07:57,492
这就是为什么夫妻吵架永远在吵"态度问题"

224
00:07:57,987 --> 00:07:59,052
不吵"事实问题"

225
00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:02,151
事实问题五分钟就能查清楚

226
00:08:02,507 --> 00:08:04,951
态度问题吵五年都没结论

227
00:08:05,266 --> 00:08:08,112
因为态度问题的本质不是谁对谁错

228
00:08:08,266 --> 00:08:10,932
是末那识在反复确认一件事

229
00:08:11,346 --> 00:08:12,932
你还在"我的"名单上吗

230
00:08:13,547 --> 00:08:14,471
第四层

231
00:08:14,867 --> 00:08:15,992
最深的一层

232
00:08:16,466 --> 00:08:17,391
你的伴侣

233
00:08:17,547 --> 00:08:20,232
是你唯一骗不了的一面镜子

234
00:08:20,706 --> 00:08:23,951
你在公司可以扮演温和理性的管理者

235
00:08:24,307 --> 00:08:28,072
在朋友面前可以扮演洒脱大度的人生赢家

236
00:08:28,586 --> 00:08:32,831
甚至可以在社交媒体上扮演岁月静好的灵魂行者

237
00:08:33,067 --> 00:08:34,072
但你的伴侣

238
00:08:34,106 --> 00:08:36,831
看过你凌晨三点崩溃大哭的样子

239
00:08:37,147 --> 00:08:40,432
看过你为了几块钱的差价跟人计较的样子

240
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:42,611
看过你对着孩子失控吼完

241
00:08:42,907 --> 00:08:45,192
一个人坐在阳台上发呆的样子

242
00:08:45,506 --> 00:08:49,152
他是这世界上唯一一个拥有你全部素材的人

243
00:08:49,547 --> 00:08:50,985
而且更要命的是

244
00:08:50,986 --> 00:08:53,192
你们在一起的时间太长了

245
00:08:53,547 --> 00:08:55,631
几千个小时的近距离观察

246
00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:57,932
让他精确地绘制了你的情绪地图

247
00:08:58,466 --> 00:08:59,991
哪个按钮一碰就炸

248
00:09:00,027 --> 00:09:01,631
哪根神经一拨就疼

249
00:09:01,746 --> 00:09:04,792
哪句话从哪个角度说进去杀伤力最大

250
00:09:05,027 --> 00:09:06,306
他不需要用力按

251
00:09:06,307 --> 00:09:08,351
轻轻一碰你就跳起来了

252
00:09:08,547 --> 00:09:09,052
反过来

253
00:09:09,267 --> 00:09:10,511
你对他也一样

254
00:09:10,706 --> 00:09:13,871
你们互相持有对方最完整的操作手册

255
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:15,611
所以你在他面前

256
00:09:15,947 --> 00:09:16,871
无处藏

257
00:09:17,267 --> 00:09:19,631
所以当你跟伴侣吵架的时候

258
00:09:19,746 --> 00:09:22,152
你表面上在反驳他说的话

259
00:09:22,466 --> 00:09:26,111
底层你在做的事 - 是试图砸碎那面镜子

260
00:09:26,346 --> 00:09:28,225
因为镜子照出来的那个你

261
00:09:28,226 --> 00:09:29,591
你自己不想看

262
00:09:30,346 --> 00:09:33,072
心理学里有一个概念叫投射性认同

263
00:09:33,427 --> 00:09:37,346
你把自己内心无法接受的那个部分 - 可能是脆弱

264
00:09:37,346 --> 00:09:38,625
可能是控制欲

265
00:09:38,626 --> 00:09:41,985
可能是害怕被抛弃 - 投射到伴侣身上

266
00:09:41,986 --> 00:09:43,432
然后去攻击它

267
00:09:43,907 --> 00:09:45,032
你骂他冷漠

268
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:47,711
其实你害怕的是自己不值得被爱

269
00:09:47,866 --> 00:09:49,351
你嫌她太黏人

270
00:09:49,386 --> 00:09:52,751
其实你恐惧的是被人需要时那种窒息感

271
00:09:52,986 --> 00:09:54,511
你指责他不上进

272
00:09:54,667 --> 00:09:57,831
其实你焦虑的是自己正在失去方向

273
00:09:58,346 --> 00:10:00,631
你不是在跟你的伴侣吵架

274
00:10:00,907 --> 00:10:03,111
你是在跟自己的影子吵架

275
00:10:03,466 --> 00:10:05,251
伴侣只是替那个影子

276
00:10:05,586 --> 00:10:06,312
挨了打

277
00:10:06,746 --> 00:10:09,105
而且这个过程是双向的

278
00:10:09,106 --> 00:10:09,892
你在投射

279
00:10:10,106 --> 00:10:11,312
他也在投射

280
00:10:11,466 --> 00:10:15,552
两个人互相把自己最不敢面对的东西甩到对方脸上

281
00:10:15,626 --> 00:10:18,591
然后对着对方脸上自己的影子开火

282
00:10:18,907 --> 00:10:21,466
这就是为什么很多夫妻吵到最后

283
00:10:21,466 --> 00:10:24,591
两个人说的话越来越离谱、越来越狠

284
00:10:24,787 --> 00:10:28,192
因为他们早就不是在跟眼前这个人说话了

285
00:10:28,267 --> 00:10:28,892
说到这里

286
00:10:29,226 --> 00:10:31,072
你可能觉得有点沉重

287
00:10:31,466 --> 00:10:33,511
但我想把这个故事翻过来

288
00:10:33,547 --> 00:10:34,831
给你看另一面

289
00:10:35,106 --> 00:10:36,172
你有没有想过一个问题

290
00:10:36,787 --> 00:10:39,265
为什么你只会在伴侣面前崩溃

291
00:10:39,267 --> 00:10:41,011
而不会在陌生人面前

292
00:10:41,466 --> 00:10:43,471
因为崩溃需要安全感

293
00:10:43,626 --> 00:10:45,772
你的神经系统在做一个实时计算

294
00:10:46,307 --> 00:10:49,066
在这个人面前暴露最丑的那一面

295
00:10:49,067 --> 00:10:50,412
我会不会被抛弃

296
00:10:51,027 --> 00:10:52,091
如果答案是"会"

297
00:10:52,547 --> 00:10:54,785
前额叶会死死锁住闸门

298
00:10:54,787 --> 00:10:56,152
你会维持体面

299
00:10:56,466 --> 00:10:59,111
只有在答案接近"不会"的人面前

300
00:10:59,147 --> 00:11:01,392
你才敢卸下所有的盔甲

301
00:11:01,866 --> 00:11:03,991
所以你跟伴侣吵架的频率

302
00:11:04,027 --> 00:11:05,145
某种意义上

303
00:11:05,147 --> 00:11:08,152
恰恰是你信任这段关系深度的一个度量

304
00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:10,351
我不是在美化吵架

305
00:11:10,787 --> 00:11:13,591
失控的争吵当然会造成真实的伤害

306
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:17,731
但我想让你看见吵架底下那个常常被忽略的信号

307
00:11:18,307 --> 00:11:21,351
你愿意在这个人面前呈现最差的自己

308
00:11:21,586 --> 00:11:25,351
本身就说明你的生命把他放在了一个极深的位置

309
00:11:25,787 --> 00:11:26,971
真正让人担心的

310
00:11:27,226 --> 00:11:28,552
从来不是吵架

311
00:11:28,826 --> 00:11:31,111
是两个人住在同一个屋檐下

312
00:11:31,187 --> 00:11:32,511
说话客客气气

313
00:11:32,547 --> 00:11:33,532
从不起冲突

314
00:11:33,947 --> 00:11:36,152
十年如一日地相敬如宾

315
00:11:36,427 --> 00:11:37,251
外人看着说

316
00:11:37,547 --> 00:11:38,912
这家人真恩爱

317
00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:40,412
只有他们自己知道

318
00:11:40,746 --> 00:11:41,991
那不是和谐

319
00:11:42,226 --> 00:11:43,131
那是两颗心

320
00:11:43,427 --> 00:11:45,111
已经放弃了靠近

321
00:11:45,466 --> 00:11:47,385
有位观众之前给我留言

322
00:11:47,386 --> 00:11:48,850
说了一句让我印象很深的话

323
00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:51,991
"爱作为种子激活后的感觉

324
00:11:52,147 --> 00:11:52,971
种子凋零

325
00:11:53,187 --> 00:11:54,272
爱也消失

326
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:55,611
对方从未变过

327
00:11:55,907 --> 00:11:57,951
只是爱的种子用完了"

328
00:11:58,187 --> 00:12:00,591
我觉得他说得既对又不完全对

329
00:12:00,826 --> 00:12:02,351
种子确实会用完

330
00:12:02,466 --> 00:12:04,751
但觉察能种下新的种子

331
00:12:05,147 --> 00:12:08,706
关键在于 - 你是在无意识地消耗旧种子

332
00:12:08,706 --> 00:12:10,611
还是在有意识地播下新的

333
00:12:11,106 --> 00:12:14,145
每一次你在吵架之后选择向内看一眼

334
00:12:14,147 --> 00:12:16,011
而不是甩一句"你永远都这样"

335
00:12:16,427 --> 00:12:19,272
你就在土壤里多埋了一颗新的种子

336
00:12:19,586 --> 00:12:21,591
这颗种子不一定马上发芽

337
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:22,912
但它在

338
00:12:23,267 --> 00:12:24,011
所以下次

339
00:12:24,427 --> 00:12:26,072
当你跟伴侣吵完架

340
00:12:26,106 --> 00:12:27,831
情绪慢慢退潮的时候

341
00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:29,392
可以试着做一件事

342
00:12:29,947 --> 00:12:30,831
不是道歉

343
00:12:31,307 --> 00:12:32,312
不是和解

344
00:12:32,746 --> 00:12:34,552
不是分析谁对谁错

345
00:12:34,866 --> 00:12:38,351
而是安静地问自己一个问题 - 刚才那一刻

346
00:12:38,386 --> 00:12:39,985
让我真正愤怒的

347
00:12:39,986 --> 00:12:41,251
是他说的那句话吗

348
00:12:41,826 --> 00:12:42,951
还是那句话

349
00:12:42,986 --> 00:12:46,331
刚好戳中了我身上一个我一直在保护的地方

350
00:12:46,986 --> 00:12:48,826
如果你能找到那个地方

351
00:12:48,826 --> 00:12:51,711
你会发现 - 你不需要改变你的伴侣

352
00:12:51,947 --> 00:12:52,692
你需要的

353
00:12:52,947 --> 00:12:54,272
只是看见自己

354
00:12:54,586 --> 00:12:55,711
而你的伴侣

355
00:12:55,787 --> 00:13:00,351
恰恰是全世界唯一有本事逼你看见自己的那个人

356
00:13:00,787 --> 00:13:03,511
所以家庭才是你真正的道场

357
00:13:03,746 --> 00:13:04,905
每一次吵架

358
00:13:04,907 --> 00:13:07,432
都是一次被迫的觉察练习

359
00:13:07,706 --> 00:13:08,812
只不过大多数人

360
00:13:09,147 --> 00:13:10,471
选择了怪对方

361
00:13:10,547 --> 00:13:12,032
而不是向内看

362
00:13:12,466 --> 00:13:15,111
你跟伴侣之间反复在吵的那件事

363
00:13:15,147 --> 00:13:17,292
底下真正藏着的是什么

364
00:13:17,866 --> 00:13:19,511
欢迎在评论区聊聊

365
00:13:19,667 --> 00:13:20,331
我是王利杰

366
00:13:20,547 --> 00:13:21,331
我们下期见